It's the most basic ingredient in a marriage. And yet if love isn't 'true', it can spell doom for a marriage.
Love (Ishq )
A marriage sans love - is that even conceivable? Before you blurt out your almost predictable answer - 'Of course not!' - hold on a minute... not all couples who enter into arranged marriages 'love' each other in every sense of the word.
Quite the contrary. Most often, such would-be partners know of and appreciate a few character traits and the appearance of their potential spouse, and liking what they see (and know) they feel emboldened to take the plunge. Marriages sans 'Ishq '
So - in a sense, the gushing, over-exuberant kind of love is often conspicuous by its absence from arranged marriages. Even so, many such unions last a lifetime, perhaps because the partners enter into it with limited expectations from each other!
On the other hand, love marriages often fizzle out if the undying love partners profess for each other isn't true love. In other words, there is love... but not the kind that can sustain a marriage.
Reena and Suresh, met and fell head over heels in love with each other while supervising juniors on the floor of their BPO!
Situational love
At the time, they both worked a night-shift. Invariably, coffee breaks at regular intervals during the night and traveling back home at the break of dawn worked their magic on this good-looking twosome.
Now even though office romances are usually frowned upon in the corporate world, since Reena and Suresh had impeccable records and came clean with their feelings for each other, the company agreed to let them continue in their jobs with the proviso that they agreed to work different shifts in future. In other words, the company didn't want to encourage them to continue to mix romance with office work!
At the time, this hardly seemed a problem. They were ecstatic about being allowed to continue with their jobs post-marriage. The high lasted well into their first few months together. It was round about the fourth month of their marriage that cracks in their togetherness made an appearance.
Love - the foundation of any marriage
'Issues' - such as who gets to work when, the sharing of chores, spending time together (now only possible at week-ends), and so on became reasons to row. Worse still, inspite of the bickering, the issues were not resolved but carried forward.
Soon enough, 'issues' dominated their every conversation. To the point that it appeared to Reena and Suresh that the love they shared had evaporated, in the face of the pressures of everyday living. Full to the brim with negative vibes for each other, the two decided to opt out of their union stating irreconcilable differences.
They thought that they had entered into marriage too soon, without thinking through the little aspects of everyday living so as to ensure that they were wholly compatible.
However much they believed in this being the reason for their marriage to fail, is it true that not talking over things enough was cause for the sorry state of affairs they found themselves in? ...And the basis of love, what should that be?
In truth, while a couple should talk over some major matters that are likely to come up in the course of their married life - such as desiring children, career expectation and the like - it is impossible to predict and go over every potential 'issue' in advance.
In fact, that is neither what love nor a marriage is about. While love is undoubtedly the foundation of marriage, what is the basis of love?
Given the selfish age we live in, it is unlikely for a couple to love each other unconditionally. Nevertheless, love does imply a desire to be with a person and hence, require an inherent willingness to accept each others faults and adjust to circumstances.
Now apply this to Reena and Suresh - what they thought was love, was more their enjoyment or love for the romantic situation they found themselves in. This weaker sibling of true love often comes across as love in the first instance, but is way too weak to sustain a marriage as it fades with time. So as Reena and Suresh realised, once their 'love' had taken the backseat, their minds closed to potential solutions to issues that had cropped up in their marriage - such as switching firms so as to both be in a day job or whatever. Let's just say that no thanks to their solely fun-based perception of love, their egos became overly fragile when faced with marital teething problems!
So you see - true love is a pre-requisite for marriage, anything less signals the end of the road for married partners.
Sunday 27 February 2011
Saturday 26 February 2011
Mistakes Committed by Parents Raising Children in the West
Mistakes Committed by Parents Raising Children in the West
by Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
In bringing up our children, whether in the West or anywhere else, our goal should be to help them get the best in this world and the best in the hereafter - success and happiness in this life and salvation and paradise in the hereafter. This means that we should help our children successfully pursue necessary study and/or training leading to a profession and also to provide them whatever they need to become good Muslims. Being a good Muslim is not only needed for salvation and paradise but it is also helpful in this world. Good, clean, habits, discipline and a sense of responsibility that Islam inculcates can greatly help children in their studies, and later on, in the successful practice of their profession while faith and trust in Allah that Islam teaches can add happiness and peace to their success in life. To help children become good Muslims two things are essential:
A good parent-child relationship
Parents' strong Muslim identity
In a Muslim society these two things are generally sufficient; if a good parent-child relationship exists, so that the children do not develop any negative emotions rejecting what their parents stand for, then the Muslim identity of the parents, if it is sufficiently strong, naturally passes on to the children. However, in the western world, the above mentioned things are usually not enough, since the Muslim identity of parents as well as children comes under many powerful pressures which an average family cannot withstand alone. In the West, therefore, a third factor is needed:
3) The cooperation of an organized, united and dynamic Muslim community. Let us look at these three factors in a little more detail.
PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP
A good parent-child relationship consists of love and respect between parents and children. To establish this relationship is the sole responsibility of the parents and they can do so by giving their children unconditional love, which then generates in children love, respect and obedience for the parents. This natural process is disturbed and the parent-child relationship starts running into problems if parents cannot or do not give sufficient love to the children. It is often believed that parents always love their children. But this idea, though it has the support of a Hadith (see note), is in conflict with the Holy Qur'an and observed facts. The Holy Qur'an mentions those pagan Arabs who used to bury their female children alive:
"When the female infant buried alive is questioned - for what crime she was killed?" (81:8-9) This is a recognition that parents can do dhulm (injustice, cruelty) to their children and that they will be answerable for it on the day of judgment. Cruelty to children is not something that only existed once upon a time among the jahili (ignorant and pagan) Arabs and has since been eradicated. To a more or less degree it is a practice in all cultures. Even in modern "civilized" and prosperous North America hundreds of thousands of children are subjected each year to ruthless torture by their parents, many of whom, unlike the jahili Arabs, are not in any kind of economic difficulty. These are no doubt extreme examples but they should destroy the myth that all parents have nothing but love for their children.
Moving from extreme cases to normal cases, it can indeed be said that a vast majority of parents, especially Muslim parents, do love their children. However, it is not certain that even normal parents give their children sufficient love. I would be inclined to think that most of them do not. In any case, it cannot but do good to once in a while admit the possibility that we as parents may not be giving enough love to our children. This admission would put parents in a far better position to establish a good relationship with their children than would be the case otherwise.
At this point a word should be added about the nature of love. Love does not mean continuously pampering the children and giving in to all their wishes. Love is rather a deep concern for the well-being and happiness of the children which manifests itself in softness when softness is needed and in firmness when firmness is needed. It takes a lot of effort to be firm. Parents can make that effort only if they care enough for their children. In dealing with children try to avoid negative emotions. For example, if children are rude to you, and in the West children can be quite rude to their parents, do not ask them to clean their rooms, etc., in retaliation. Children are much more aware of their parents' real feelings than we may think. If parents have negative feelings of revengefulness towards them, they are likely to react negatively to what the parents are telling them.
We should try to be consistent with our children. We should not, for example, stop them from something bad when we are angry and tolerate it when we are in a good mood.
A good communication is also needed to establish a good parent-child relationship. If a child is not positively responding to what you are saying and this is happening again and again, then it is time not to get more and more mad and frustrated but to think and to talk to the child or otherwise find out what is going on in his or her mind.
IMPARTING MUSLIM IDENTITY
Now let us come to the all-important topic of imparting Islamic identity to our children in the West. In this connection the main requirement evidently is that parents themselves should have a strong Muslim identity. But their are additional important points to be kept in mind.
In developing their Muslim identity we have to naturally impress upon our children that our ways are quite different from those of the rest of the western society. But this should not be done in such a way as to create hostility towards the western society as a whole. This can create emotional conflict in a child and it is also against Islam. The Holy Qur'an says of the people of the book that "they are not all alike" (3:113) and it praises some of their good qualities along with condemnation of what is wrong with them (5:85-87, 57:27, etc.). We must not therefore make a general condemnation of the western society as a whole but rather point out to them what is good in this society and what is bad. We should help them identify themselves with what is good here and to reject what is bad.
For example, we should tell them: "Most Westerners believe in the Trinity and in the divinity of Jesus (may peace be upon him), which we reject totally. But there are many Westerners who believe in one God and the prophethood of Jesus (may peace be upon him) in much the same way as we do." And, "Most Westerners take alcohol and/or drugs, but many reject this practice, as we Muslims do." And, "Many Westerners are homosexuals or are willing to morally accept this deviation. But many others consider it immoral, just as we do." And, "Many Westerners are in favor of abortion but almost as many are against it." Then we should point to the evidence of the harm of the things prohibited by Islam, for example death by drunken drivers, ruined lives, broken homes in case of alcohol/drugs, etc. and AIDS in case of homosexuality.
Then it should also be pointed out to our youth that in some ways Western society is more Islamic than some Muslim societies. For example, here there is democracy and constitutionality which is closer to the Islamic model than the arbitrary rule of dictators and kings found in most Muslim lands. Also, there is generally less corruption (bribery, etc.) here than in some of the Muslim countries. Much self-criticism in the end will not weaken our children's Muslim identity but rather strengthen it. Moreover, it will help some of them grow up to be reformers which we so badly need. In matters of details in which there are found differences among Muslims (for example how to pray, or the issue of who should have been the leader of the Muslims after the death of the Prophet pbuh) we may tell our children what we think but without being too dogmatic about it. We should concentrate on inculcating love for God, the Prophet, Islam and Muslims and on teaching the basic and agreed upon beliefs and practices of Islam. For the rest we should take a more relaxed attitude. This would not only help Muslim unity, but also increase our chances of success in bringing up our children as Muslims, since dogmatism in every matter can in the end drive our youth away from Islam.
THE ROLE OF THE COMMUNITY
As we noted earlier, the work of bringing up children as Muslims in the western world is not easy. Most parents cannot manage it on their own. Therefore, a close cooperation is needed between parents and the community. The parents should, as part of this cooperation, take interest in community work and contribute to it whatever they can while the community, through its elected representatives, should provide the parents with all the facilities they need to educate their children in Islam and to make them comfortable with, and proud of, Islamic values and traditions. Note: It is said the Prophet (pbuh) was once asked whether one should obey and honor one's parents even if they commit dhulm (injustice) against their children. The Prophet is alleged to have replied that parents cannot do dhulm on their children. This Hadith must be rejected as false, since, as we said above, it conflicts with the book of God and observed facts.
(Zawaj.com editor's note: I am not familiar with this hadith and I do not know whether it is authentic or weak. If any of you readers have information on this, please email me.)
Moreover, this Hadith seems incompatible with some other ahadith where the Prophet exhorts parents to treat their children well and spend on them, for example the following two ahadith:
Joining together two of his fingers the Prophet said: "Whoever performs his prayers properly, spends on his children in spite of his modest means and does not speak ill of others will be in Paradise as close to me as these (two fingers of mine)."
And,
"Whoever is given daughters and spends on them and treats them well - surely Allah will reward him in paradise."
The very fact that such ahadith encourage parents to treat their children well means that parents may not always love their children enough, for otherwise such encouragement would not be needed. Daughters are especially the victims of parents' selfishness in many cultures, where for economic and social reasons many parents do not feel too happy to have daughters.
First published in Al-Ummah, Montreal, Canada in 1986. Copyright Dr. Ahmad Shafaat. The article may be reproduced for Da'wah purpose with proper references.
by Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
In bringing up our children, whether in the West or anywhere else, our goal should be to help them get the best in this world and the best in the hereafter - success and happiness in this life and salvation and paradise in the hereafter. This means that we should help our children successfully pursue necessary study and/or training leading to a profession and also to provide them whatever they need to become good Muslims. Being a good Muslim is not only needed for salvation and paradise but it is also helpful in this world. Good, clean, habits, discipline and a sense of responsibility that Islam inculcates can greatly help children in their studies, and later on, in the successful practice of their profession while faith and trust in Allah that Islam teaches can add happiness and peace to their success in life. To help children become good Muslims two things are essential:
A good parent-child relationship
Parents' strong Muslim identity
In a Muslim society these two things are generally sufficient; if a good parent-child relationship exists, so that the children do not develop any negative emotions rejecting what their parents stand for, then the Muslim identity of the parents, if it is sufficiently strong, naturally passes on to the children. However, in the western world, the above mentioned things are usually not enough, since the Muslim identity of parents as well as children comes under many powerful pressures which an average family cannot withstand alone. In the West, therefore, a third factor is needed:
3) The cooperation of an organized, united and dynamic Muslim community. Let us look at these three factors in a little more detail.
PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP
A good parent-child relationship consists of love and respect between parents and children. To establish this relationship is the sole responsibility of the parents and they can do so by giving their children unconditional love, which then generates in children love, respect and obedience for the parents. This natural process is disturbed and the parent-child relationship starts running into problems if parents cannot or do not give sufficient love to the children. It is often believed that parents always love their children. But this idea, though it has the support of a Hadith (see note), is in conflict with the Holy Qur'an and observed facts. The Holy Qur'an mentions those pagan Arabs who used to bury their female children alive:
"When the female infant buried alive is questioned - for what crime she was killed?" (81:8-9) This is a recognition that parents can do dhulm (injustice, cruelty) to their children and that they will be answerable for it on the day of judgment. Cruelty to children is not something that only existed once upon a time among the jahili (ignorant and pagan) Arabs and has since been eradicated. To a more or less degree it is a practice in all cultures. Even in modern "civilized" and prosperous North America hundreds of thousands of children are subjected each year to ruthless torture by their parents, many of whom, unlike the jahili Arabs, are not in any kind of economic difficulty. These are no doubt extreme examples but they should destroy the myth that all parents have nothing but love for their children.
Moving from extreme cases to normal cases, it can indeed be said that a vast majority of parents, especially Muslim parents, do love their children. However, it is not certain that even normal parents give their children sufficient love. I would be inclined to think that most of them do not. In any case, it cannot but do good to once in a while admit the possibility that we as parents may not be giving enough love to our children. This admission would put parents in a far better position to establish a good relationship with their children than would be the case otherwise.
At this point a word should be added about the nature of love. Love does not mean continuously pampering the children and giving in to all their wishes. Love is rather a deep concern for the well-being and happiness of the children which manifests itself in softness when softness is needed and in firmness when firmness is needed. It takes a lot of effort to be firm. Parents can make that effort only if they care enough for their children. In dealing with children try to avoid negative emotions. For example, if children are rude to you, and in the West children can be quite rude to their parents, do not ask them to clean their rooms, etc., in retaliation. Children are much more aware of their parents' real feelings than we may think. If parents have negative feelings of revengefulness towards them, they are likely to react negatively to what the parents are telling them.
We should try to be consistent with our children. We should not, for example, stop them from something bad when we are angry and tolerate it when we are in a good mood.
A good communication is also needed to establish a good parent-child relationship. If a child is not positively responding to what you are saying and this is happening again and again, then it is time not to get more and more mad and frustrated but to think and to talk to the child or otherwise find out what is going on in his or her mind.
IMPARTING MUSLIM IDENTITY
Now let us come to the all-important topic of imparting Islamic identity to our children in the West. In this connection the main requirement evidently is that parents themselves should have a strong Muslim identity. But their are additional important points to be kept in mind.
In developing their Muslim identity we have to naturally impress upon our children that our ways are quite different from those of the rest of the western society. But this should not be done in such a way as to create hostility towards the western society as a whole. This can create emotional conflict in a child and it is also against Islam. The Holy Qur'an says of the people of the book that "they are not all alike" (3:113) and it praises some of their good qualities along with condemnation of what is wrong with them (5:85-87, 57:27, etc.). We must not therefore make a general condemnation of the western society as a whole but rather point out to them what is good in this society and what is bad. We should help them identify themselves with what is good here and to reject what is bad.
For example, we should tell them: "Most Westerners believe in the Trinity and in the divinity of Jesus (may peace be upon him), which we reject totally. But there are many Westerners who believe in one God and the prophethood of Jesus (may peace be upon him) in much the same way as we do." And, "Most Westerners take alcohol and/or drugs, but many reject this practice, as we Muslims do." And, "Many Westerners are homosexuals or are willing to morally accept this deviation. But many others consider it immoral, just as we do." And, "Many Westerners are in favor of abortion but almost as many are against it." Then we should point to the evidence of the harm of the things prohibited by Islam, for example death by drunken drivers, ruined lives, broken homes in case of alcohol/drugs, etc. and AIDS in case of homosexuality.
Then it should also be pointed out to our youth that in some ways Western society is more Islamic than some Muslim societies. For example, here there is democracy and constitutionality which is closer to the Islamic model than the arbitrary rule of dictators and kings found in most Muslim lands. Also, there is generally less corruption (bribery, etc.) here than in some of the Muslim countries. Much self-criticism in the end will not weaken our children's Muslim identity but rather strengthen it. Moreover, it will help some of them grow up to be reformers which we so badly need. In matters of details in which there are found differences among Muslims (for example how to pray, or the issue of who should have been the leader of the Muslims after the death of the Prophet pbuh) we may tell our children what we think but without being too dogmatic about it. We should concentrate on inculcating love for God, the Prophet, Islam and Muslims and on teaching the basic and agreed upon beliefs and practices of Islam. For the rest we should take a more relaxed attitude. This would not only help Muslim unity, but also increase our chances of success in bringing up our children as Muslims, since dogmatism in every matter can in the end drive our youth away from Islam.
THE ROLE OF THE COMMUNITY
As we noted earlier, the work of bringing up children as Muslims in the western world is not easy. Most parents cannot manage it on their own. Therefore, a close cooperation is needed between parents and the community. The parents should, as part of this cooperation, take interest in community work and contribute to it whatever they can while the community, through its elected representatives, should provide the parents with all the facilities they need to educate their children in Islam and to make them comfortable with, and proud of, Islamic values and traditions. Note: It is said the Prophet (pbuh) was once asked whether one should obey and honor one's parents even if they commit dhulm (injustice) against their children. The Prophet is alleged to have replied that parents cannot do dhulm on their children. This Hadith must be rejected as false, since, as we said above, it conflicts with the book of God and observed facts.
(Zawaj.com editor's note: I am not familiar with this hadith and I do not know whether it is authentic or weak. If any of you readers have information on this, please email me.)
Moreover, this Hadith seems incompatible with some other ahadith where the Prophet exhorts parents to treat their children well and spend on them, for example the following two ahadith:
Joining together two of his fingers the Prophet said: "Whoever performs his prayers properly, spends on his children in spite of his modest means and does not speak ill of others will be in Paradise as close to me as these (two fingers of mine)."
And,
"Whoever is given daughters and spends on them and treats them well - surely Allah will reward him in paradise."
The very fact that such ahadith encourage parents to treat their children well means that parents may not always love their children enough, for otherwise such encouragement would not be needed. Daughters are especially the victims of parents' selfishness in many cultures, where for economic and social reasons many parents do not feel too happy to have daughters.
First published in Al-Ummah, Montreal, Canada in 1986. Copyright Dr. Ahmad Shafaat. The article may be reproduced for Da'wah purpose with proper references.
The Islamic Way to Raise the Children
The Islamic Way to Raise the Children
(This is the text of a speech delivered by Imam Mohamed Baianonie at the Islamic Center of Raleigh on January 1, 1988)
Allah (S.W.T.) has entrusted parents with their children. Parents bear the responsibility to raise-up their children in the Islamic way. If they do that they will be blessed in this life and in the hereafter, and if they don't, they will get bad result during their life and in the hereafter.
Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) said, "all of you are heads of a group and all of you are responsible for your groups; the ruler is the head of state and he is responsible for his people, the man is head of his family and responsible for his family, the woman is the head in her husband's house and she is responsible for the house. In short all of you are heads and responsible for your groups".
The Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) did not excuse any one from responsibility that Allah has put on every individual to build the Islamic society: the ruler is responsible: the man and woman are responsible.... all within their capabilities, domains, and authorities..., and the loss of Islam from our Muslim Ummah these days is nothing but a result of the neglect of responsibility...
Today, I want to talk about responsibility of men and women, fathers and mothers. This common responsibility, between the two, is to raise up, educate, and build the new generation in the correct method and the right way.
Allah creates the children with pure innate nature, without defects and whatever defects that happens later on is the result of the bad education. Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said, "Every new born has the correct instinct, his parents make him Jewish, Christian or a fire worshipper."
Allah has put in every person the good tendencies and the bad tendencies, so choose and testing will be performed, so parents must encourage and grow the good tendencies in the child so he can become a useful person that helps himself and his people. Allah (S.W.T) said in surat Atahrim, verse 6, which is translated as, "O' you who believe, protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones."
And the protection of yourself and your family from hell fire won't be with any thing but the good education, the practice of good morals, and the guidance to nobility.
Islam does not distinguish between male and female with regard to the Education requirements. Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) said, ''whoever had a daughter, tutored her on good morals, educated her well and fed her properly; she will be a protection for him from hell fire." What do we mean by good education? The good education means the physical, mental and moral preparation of the child so he can become a good individual in the good society.
(1of 3)
The physical preparation: Includes the care for the child's body and his strength an through good feeding and following the correct methods in prevention and treatment of diseases.
The mental preparation: Includes everything that comprises the formation of the correct mental thinking, the ability of good judgment and the profound thinking and inference; so the child can understand his surroundings, judge things and benefit from his and the others' experiences.
The moral preparation: includes the instilling and neutering of the best morals; also the discouragement and correction of bad morals and behavior.
For all the above there are methods and ways that help parents to reach their goal:
Methods for physical preparation:
1. To make sure that the child is clean in his body, clothes, his surroundings and has a love of cleanliness in his life.
2. To make sure to feed the child from the good without excessive expenditure or stinginess.
3. To encourage the practice of sports such as running, swimming, shooting and riding, and their sports that make the body strong and active in a whole some atmosphere.
Methods for mental preparation:
1. To teach reading and writing and to ensure a superiority in all kinds of knowledge and sciences.
2. To practice attentively looking at all creations and events around him which will enable his mental growth and give him the correct inference capabilities.
3. Touring or traveling in the land and pondering all the different marks and signs of Allah and the history of previous people and nations.
Methods for moral preparation:
1. Showing the values of good deeds and their effects on the individuals and society; also showing the effects of bad deeds, all within the child's capability of understanding.
2. Parents should be a good example in their behavior because children like to imitate their parents in their sayings and their deeds.
3. Teaching the child the religious principles and tutoring him in worship, taking into account the child's capability of understanding. The Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) had said, "Order your children to pray at the age of seven."
(2 of 3)
4. Treating children nicely and kindly; the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) taught us that practically. When he was praying as an Imam with the people, his grandson Al-hasan, son of his daughter Fatima, may Allah be pleased with, them rode his back while he was bowing, lengthened his bow. When he finished his prayer, some of the companions said, "You lengthened your bow? "Then the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) answered, "My grandson rode my back and I hate hastening him".
5. One of the important things that parents must teach their children to select the good company and the avoid the bad, because children are always influenced by their company. The bad behavior can be transmitted through bad company. So Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) warned us by saying, "The person is following his company behavior, so every one must watch for his company." (A good hadith reported by Imam Abu-dawoud and At-tirmithi.)
6. Encouraging the child's sense of belonging to the Muslim nation, by teaching him of the brotherhood between Muslims, teaching him to care for Muslims in any land, and that he is part of the Muslim body, to feel joy when Muslims are joyous, to feel sad for Muslims' sadness, and to do best to achieve the Muslim nation's goals. All of this can done practically through by:
a. Taking children to mosques and introducing them to their brother in Islam regardless of race, language, or origin.
b. Teaching the children the history of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and his companions and the history of Islam with in to the child's capability of understanding.
c. Encouraging children to sympathize with Muslim problems and to contribute to the solutions such as the poverty problem and to donate some money to the hungry Muslim children.
d. Taking part in the celebrations and festivals with Muslims, and sharing picnics and creating ties with their Muslim brothers of the same age.
7. Growing the sense of distinction from society, and that does not mean arrogance because arrogance is forbidden: but it means the sense of being a Muslim and that Muslims are different from non-Muslims in their sources of belief and behavior. Clarify that the society is good and bad, so as a Muslim, take and benefit from what is good and leave and avoid what is bad.
8. Growing the feeling of love of Allah, his Prophet, Muslims, and all people. This love will lead to special behavior towards all those loved.
This is a general guideline, so every Muslim can take care of his children and know the correct path that must be followed, so we can do the job we are entrusted to do as Allah proscribed, as well as the responsibility the prophet has clarified to protect the future generations of Muslims, as Allah said in surat At-tawbah, verse 105, what can be translated as, "And Say Do deeds! Allah will see your deeds, and (so will) his Messenger and the believers. And you will be brought back to the All-Knower of the unseen and the seen. Then He will inform you of what you used to do
(This is the text of a speech delivered by Imam Mohamed Baianonie at the Islamic Center of Raleigh on January 1, 1988)
Allah (S.W.T.) has entrusted parents with their children. Parents bear the responsibility to raise-up their children in the Islamic way. If they do that they will be blessed in this life and in the hereafter, and if they don't, they will get bad result during their life and in the hereafter.
Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) said, "all of you are heads of a group and all of you are responsible for your groups; the ruler is the head of state and he is responsible for his people, the man is head of his family and responsible for his family, the woman is the head in her husband's house and she is responsible for the house. In short all of you are heads and responsible for your groups".
The Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) did not excuse any one from responsibility that Allah has put on every individual to build the Islamic society: the ruler is responsible: the man and woman are responsible.... all within their capabilities, domains, and authorities..., and the loss of Islam from our Muslim Ummah these days is nothing but a result of the neglect of responsibility...
Today, I want to talk about responsibility of men and women, fathers and mothers. This common responsibility, between the two, is to raise up, educate, and build the new generation in the correct method and the right way.
Allah creates the children with pure innate nature, without defects and whatever defects that happens later on is the result of the bad education. Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said, "Every new born has the correct instinct, his parents make him Jewish, Christian or a fire worshipper."
Allah has put in every person the good tendencies and the bad tendencies, so choose and testing will be performed, so parents must encourage and grow the good tendencies in the child so he can become a useful person that helps himself and his people. Allah (S.W.T) said in surat Atahrim, verse 6, which is translated as, "O' you who believe, protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones."
And the protection of yourself and your family from hell fire won't be with any thing but the good education, the practice of good morals, and the guidance to nobility.
Islam does not distinguish between male and female with regard to the Education requirements. Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) said, ''whoever had a daughter, tutored her on good morals, educated her well and fed her properly; she will be a protection for him from hell fire." What do we mean by good education? The good education means the physical, mental and moral preparation of the child so he can become a good individual in the good society.
(1of 3)
The physical preparation: Includes the care for the child's body and his strength an through good feeding and following the correct methods in prevention and treatment of diseases.
The mental preparation: Includes everything that comprises the formation of the correct mental thinking, the ability of good judgment and the profound thinking and inference; so the child can understand his surroundings, judge things and benefit from his and the others' experiences.
The moral preparation: includes the instilling and neutering of the best morals; also the discouragement and correction of bad morals and behavior.
For all the above there are methods and ways that help parents to reach their goal:
Methods for physical preparation:
1. To make sure that the child is clean in his body, clothes, his surroundings and has a love of cleanliness in his life.
2. To make sure to feed the child from the good without excessive expenditure or stinginess.
3. To encourage the practice of sports such as running, swimming, shooting and riding, and their sports that make the body strong and active in a whole some atmosphere.
Methods for mental preparation:
1. To teach reading and writing and to ensure a superiority in all kinds of knowledge and sciences.
2. To practice attentively looking at all creations and events around him which will enable his mental growth and give him the correct inference capabilities.
3. Touring or traveling in the land and pondering all the different marks and signs of Allah and the history of previous people and nations.
Methods for moral preparation:
1. Showing the values of good deeds and their effects on the individuals and society; also showing the effects of bad deeds, all within the child's capability of understanding.
2. Parents should be a good example in their behavior because children like to imitate their parents in their sayings and their deeds.
3. Teaching the child the religious principles and tutoring him in worship, taking into account the child's capability of understanding. The Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) had said, "Order your children to pray at the age of seven."
(2 of 3)
4. Treating children nicely and kindly; the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) taught us that practically. When he was praying as an Imam with the people, his grandson Al-hasan, son of his daughter Fatima, may Allah be pleased with, them rode his back while he was bowing, lengthened his bow. When he finished his prayer, some of the companions said, "You lengthened your bow? "Then the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) answered, "My grandson rode my back and I hate hastening him".
5. One of the important things that parents must teach their children to select the good company and the avoid the bad, because children are always influenced by their company. The bad behavior can be transmitted through bad company. So Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) warned us by saying, "The person is following his company behavior, so every one must watch for his company." (A good hadith reported by Imam Abu-dawoud and At-tirmithi.)
6. Encouraging the child's sense of belonging to the Muslim nation, by teaching him of the brotherhood between Muslims, teaching him to care for Muslims in any land, and that he is part of the Muslim body, to feel joy when Muslims are joyous, to feel sad for Muslims' sadness, and to do best to achieve the Muslim nation's goals. All of this can done practically through by:
a. Taking children to mosques and introducing them to their brother in Islam regardless of race, language, or origin.
b. Teaching the children the history of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and his companions and the history of Islam with in to the child's capability of understanding.
c. Encouraging children to sympathize with Muslim problems and to contribute to the solutions such as the poverty problem and to donate some money to the hungry Muslim children.
d. Taking part in the celebrations and festivals with Muslims, and sharing picnics and creating ties with their Muslim brothers of the same age.
7. Growing the sense of distinction from society, and that does not mean arrogance because arrogance is forbidden: but it means the sense of being a Muslim and that Muslims are different from non-Muslims in their sources of belief and behavior. Clarify that the society is good and bad, so as a Muslim, take and benefit from what is good and leave and avoid what is bad.
8. Growing the feeling of love of Allah, his Prophet, Muslims, and all people. This love will lead to special behavior towards all those loved.
This is a general guideline, so every Muslim can take care of his children and know the correct path that must be followed, so we can do the job we are entrusted to do as Allah proscribed, as well as the responsibility the prophet has clarified to protect the future generations of Muslims, as Allah said in surat At-tawbah, verse 105, what can be translated as, "And Say Do deeds! Allah will see your deeds, and (so will) his Messenger and the believers. And you will be brought back to the All-Knower of the unseen and the seen. Then He will inform you of what you used to do
Not in Front of the Children
Not in Front of the Children!
By Ibrahim Bowers
Many times parents and adults do things intentionally or unintentionally that may set a bad example to their children and other youngsters around. Below would be some such situations and advises on how to set a better example for your youngsters.
Setting Bad Examples for Children
"Tell them I'm not here," we yell to our spouse or children as the telephone rings. Although we might no have noticed it, we have just set an example of lying for our children. When they see us lying, they may say to themselves that it's okay to lie. Dad and mom do it.
If we had been more conscious of our role as an example for our children, we could have avoided this mistake by using a caller ID; by telling our spouse or our children to say that we were unavailable to talk now, not that we were not at home; or by simply taking the call. But we should never lie.
Many other "little" things that we do during the day may actually be setting bad examples for our children without our even realizing it. Remaining constantly aware of our role as an example might help us to avoid making some of these mistakes. However, there are several danger areas in our daily lives that we should be especially careful about.
Here are some thoughts about providing a better role model:
We Should Never Make False Promises to Our Children.
For example, we should never tell them, "I will take you for ice cream if you are good," when we have no intention of taking them for ice cream. This is also lying, and if we do it, our children may lose confidence in everything we say.
Don't Argue with Our Spouses in Front of Children
What must it feel like for children to see their mother and father yelling at each other and even hitting each other? What horror they must feel at that time. And how will they know what to do afterwards? Can they ever go back to the same loving relationship with their father and mother after watching them abuse each other? If we do make the mistake of arguing or fighting in front of our children and then we make up later, we should be sure to include the children and even apologize to them for our immature and un-Islamic behavior. InshaAllah, they will respect us even more for admitting that we were wrong.
We Should Never Make Fun of Others.
If we say, "Hey, look at that ugly guy over there! Ha! Ha! Ha!," our children may think that this is acceptable behavior. Afterward, if they publicly say something bad about somebody and we or that person gets embarrassed, we should remember that we are the ones who taught them to behave this way.
We Should Never Gossip
We must not gossip or speak evil about others behind their backs. Even though the victims of our gossip might not hear us, our children will. They are watching us eat the dead flesh of our brothers and sisters, and it could affect them in many ways. They might simply begin to believe that this is normal behavior, or they might be extremely disgusted with their parents for behaving in this way. Either way our children will be negatively influenced.
We Should Never Watch Bad Radio or Television Programs
Later, when we tell our children not to watch kissing or violence on TV, they will see us as hypocrites and lose respect for us.
As Muslims, we should of course try to be the best human beings we can possibly be. As Muslim parents, we must try even harder because our behavior will very likely have a major impact on the behavior of our children now and when they grow up. It's not what mom and dad say; it's what mom and dad do.
Raising kids is an incredible responsibility. If we want to succeed, we must raise them with both words and actions. As human beings, we will at times do wrong and make mistakes. But please, NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN
By Ibrahim Bowers
Many times parents and adults do things intentionally or unintentionally that may set a bad example to their children and other youngsters around. Below would be some such situations and advises on how to set a better example for your youngsters.
Setting Bad Examples for Children
"Tell them I'm not here," we yell to our spouse or children as the telephone rings. Although we might no have noticed it, we have just set an example of lying for our children. When they see us lying, they may say to themselves that it's okay to lie. Dad and mom do it.
If we had been more conscious of our role as an example for our children, we could have avoided this mistake by using a caller ID; by telling our spouse or our children to say that we were unavailable to talk now, not that we were not at home; or by simply taking the call. But we should never lie.
Many other "little" things that we do during the day may actually be setting bad examples for our children without our even realizing it. Remaining constantly aware of our role as an example might help us to avoid making some of these mistakes. However, there are several danger areas in our daily lives that we should be especially careful about.
Here are some thoughts about providing a better role model:
We Should Never Make False Promises to Our Children.
For example, we should never tell them, "I will take you for ice cream if you are good," when we have no intention of taking them for ice cream. This is also lying, and if we do it, our children may lose confidence in everything we say.
Don't Argue with Our Spouses in Front of Children
What must it feel like for children to see their mother and father yelling at each other and even hitting each other? What horror they must feel at that time. And how will they know what to do afterwards? Can they ever go back to the same loving relationship with their father and mother after watching them abuse each other? If we do make the mistake of arguing or fighting in front of our children and then we make up later, we should be sure to include the children and even apologize to them for our immature and un-Islamic behavior. InshaAllah, they will respect us even more for admitting that we were wrong.
We Should Never Make Fun of Others.
If we say, "Hey, look at that ugly guy over there! Ha! Ha! Ha!," our children may think that this is acceptable behavior. Afterward, if they publicly say something bad about somebody and we or that person gets embarrassed, we should remember that we are the ones who taught them to behave this way.
We Should Never Gossip
We must not gossip or speak evil about others behind their backs. Even though the victims of our gossip might not hear us, our children will. They are watching us eat the dead flesh of our brothers and sisters, and it could affect them in many ways. They might simply begin to believe that this is normal behavior, or they might be extremely disgusted with their parents for behaving in this way. Either way our children will be negatively influenced.
We Should Never Watch Bad Radio or Television Programs
Later, when we tell our children not to watch kissing or violence on TV, they will see us as hypocrites and lose respect for us.
As Muslims, we should of course try to be the best human beings we can possibly be. As Muslim parents, we must try even harder because our behavior will very likely have a major impact on the behavior of our children now and when they grow up. It's not what mom and dad say; it's what mom and dad do.
Raising kids is an incredible responsibility. If we want to succeed, we must raise them with both words and actions. As human beings, we will at times do wrong and make mistakes. But please, NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN
8 Tips for Dealing with Your Child's Teenage Years
8 Tips for Dealing with Your Child's Teenage Years
Teenage Years: Most Difficult for the Parents
"I never asked to be born!"
"Stop trying to control my life!"
"I hate you!"
You thought you were over the hard part---changing diapers and being awakened throughout the night by your crying baby, dealing with an uncontrollable two-year old "monster," and trying to handle a mischievous child, who was always getting into trouble at school. But now comes the really hard part---coping with a rebellious, often rude and obnoxious, teenager.
Muslim Parents: Not Immune from Teenage Problems
The teenage years have historically been a difficult period for parents in America, with very few exceptions. Struggling to find their own place in the world, teenagers often rebel against the ways of their parents. They want to experiment to find out what is best for them. And, unfortunately, Muslim parents may also face many of the same problems with their teenagers that non-Muslim families face.
Muslim children can also be tempted to drink alcohol or take drugs, be physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex in their class, skip school, or get involved in the wrong crowd.
No doubt, it will be a traumatic experience for a Muslim family to find out that their son or daughter is taking drugs, secretly going out on dates with the opposite sex, or getting in trouble with the police, but it could happen. And what if they become addicts, contract AIDS by having unmarried sex, or become a mother or father before marriage. Our great dreams for our children could suddenly turn into nightmares. It has happened to other Muslim families.
This is, of course, a very frightening thought for most parents. Some will merely say that it won't happen to their Muslim child. But others will take action and look for ways to prevent these problems or to better handle them if they arise.
Although no two families have exactly the same situation, there are some general guidelines for dealing with Muslim teenagers that might be useful.
We should teach them from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam.
If we develop in them a love for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray. A person wants to be like his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad, Abu Bakr, and Ali, he will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock star or a gang leader, he will want to be like them. If we inspire our children with good examples, when they are tempted to do wrong, they will, InshaAllah, remember these examples and remain steadfast.
Although I was raised as a Christian and didn't embrace Islam until I was in my 20s, I was greatly influenced by the Biblical stories of Prophets like Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, and Isa (peace be upon them all). Although the Biblical stories were not in their pure form, they still inculcated in me a love and respect for the way of the Prophets. Although I fell into many of the temptations of youth, Alhamdulillah, I always felt something within me holding me back from going too far. While many of my friends went headlong into a highly destructive way of life, I believe that my knowledge of, and affection for, the Prophets helped me to return to a better path.
We must be very careful about our children's friends
During the teenage years, children often care more about what their friends say than what their parents or elders say. According to a hadith, "Man is upon the path of his intimate friend; so let each look to whom he takes as a friend." If our children have good, sincere, and righteous friends, the chances are good that our children will be like them. If, on the other hand, our children hang around with children who take drugs and get into trouble, our children will likely take drugs and get into trouble.
Therefore, it is essential from an early age that we try to get our children involved with good children. One way to encourage this is by regularly taking them to the mosque or by sending them to an Islamic school where they will have the opportunity to meet Muslim children. If they become friends with non-Muslims, however, we should not worry too much as long as they do not seem to be a negative influence. Perhaps our child will influence them toward Islam. We should be worried though if our children start hanging around with bad-mannered and disrespectful children.
We should encourage our children to participate in wholesome religious, social, and sports activities
Bored teenagers are more likely to look for fun and excitement in the wrong place. "Idle hands are the devil's (shaytan's) workshop," someone once said. If teenagers' lives are full of good and exciting things to do, they will not have the time or the desire to get involved in bad things.
If we haven't done so already, now is a good time to start letting our children become a part of the family decision making process
If teenagers feel that they have the right to make some of their own decisions and even to help make some of the family's decisions, they will not feel that they have to rebel against an oppressive family that is always telling them what to do.
We should try to channel their teenage zeal into constructive avenues
Sometimes, teenagers begin to criticize the way of life of their parents and society, and parents are often angered by this. However, we must keep in mind that sometimes they may be right. Our lives and our society are not perfect, and teenagers may have fresh insight into how to improve them. In Living With Teenagers: A Guide for Muslim Parents, Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood writes:
"Teenagers are idealists---they want to change the world, and make it a better place. These are not bad ideals, and it is a great pity that adults have forgotten their own ideals in the rat-race of daily life. You, the parent, may have ended up as just a hard-working nonentity in some quiet niche in life; a teenager who is a real idealist may end up as a famous person, a reformer, a politician, an aid-worker---who knows. The future lies there before them.
It is therefore a foolish parent who tries to ridicule and trample on that young idealism. If it is consistent with Islam, it should be fervently encouraged, and not set at nought."
If a teenager is idealistic and wants to improve the world, we should encourage him and help him. If he if full of zeal but lacks the proper direction, we should help him to use that zeal constructively. If we get teenagers involved in helping those in need and in working for important causes, their zeal could make a tremendous impact.
We should sometimes admit that we are wrong
Parents make mistakes. If we admit to our children that we are wrong at times, they will not always feel that they have to rebel against us and prove that we are wrong.
We should listen to our children
Sometimes, children act out in order to get our attention. If we give them our attention freely, they will not have to seek it in destructive ways. Also, by listening to our children, there is a greater chance that they will confide in us and ask us questions, rather than seeking answers from negative sources.
We should do what we say
Teenagers hate hypocrisy, and many of them seem to have a built-in radar for detecting it. If we want them to listen to us and take our advice, they must trust us. If we tell them not to drink, but drink ourselves, they will not respect us. If we watch bad programs on television, how can we expect them to watch good programs and listen to good music?
The teenage years are usually difficult, and parents need to prepare for them before they arrive. If parents have built a strong, trusting, and loving relationship with their children before the teenage years, their children will be less likely to go astray. It is very difficult to see one's child going in the wrong direction and not know how to stop him from destroying himself. But if we work hard to instill in them the right values early and try to help them develop a wholesome lifestyle without being overbearing, perhaps we can prevent such a tragedy from ever occurring
Teenage Years: Most Difficult for the Parents
"I never asked to be born!"
"Stop trying to control my life!"
"I hate you!"
You thought you were over the hard part---changing diapers and being awakened throughout the night by your crying baby, dealing with an uncontrollable two-year old "monster," and trying to handle a mischievous child, who was always getting into trouble at school. But now comes the really hard part---coping with a rebellious, often rude and obnoxious, teenager.
Muslim Parents: Not Immune from Teenage Problems
The teenage years have historically been a difficult period for parents in America, with very few exceptions. Struggling to find their own place in the world, teenagers often rebel against the ways of their parents. They want to experiment to find out what is best for them. And, unfortunately, Muslim parents may also face many of the same problems with their teenagers that non-Muslim families face.
Muslim children can also be tempted to drink alcohol or take drugs, be physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex in their class, skip school, or get involved in the wrong crowd.
No doubt, it will be a traumatic experience for a Muslim family to find out that their son or daughter is taking drugs, secretly going out on dates with the opposite sex, or getting in trouble with the police, but it could happen. And what if they become addicts, contract AIDS by having unmarried sex, or become a mother or father before marriage. Our great dreams for our children could suddenly turn into nightmares. It has happened to other Muslim families.
This is, of course, a very frightening thought for most parents. Some will merely say that it won't happen to their Muslim child. But others will take action and look for ways to prevent these problems or to better handle them if they arise.
Although no two families have exactly the same situation, there are some general guidelines for dealing with Muslim teenagers that might be useful.
We should teach them from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam.
If we develop in them a love for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray. A person wants to be like his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad, Abu Bakr, and Ali, he will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock star or a gang leader, he will want to be like them. If we inspire our children with good examples, when they are tempted to do wrong, they will, InshaAllah, remember these examples and remain steadfast.
Although I was raised as a Christian and didn't embrace Islam until I was in my 20s, I was greatly influenced by the Biblical stories of Prophets like Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, and Isa (peace be upon them all). Although the Biblical stories were not in their pure form, they still inculcated in me a love and respect for the way of the Prophets. Although I fell into many of the temptations of youth, Alhamdulillah, I always felt something within me holding me back from going too far. While many of my friends went headlong into a highly destructive way of life, I believe that my knowledge of, and affection for, the Prophets helped me to return to a better path.
We must be very careful about our children's friends
During the teenage years, children often care more about what their friends say than what their parents or elders say. According to a hadith, "Man is upon the path of his intimate friend; so let each look to whom he takes as a friend." If our children have good, sincere, and righteous friends, the chances are good that our children will be like them. If, on the other hand, our children hang around with children who take drugs and get into trouble, our children will likely take drugs and get into trouble.
Therefore, it is essential from an early age that we try to get our children involved with good children. One way to encourage this is by regularly taking them to the mosque or by sending them to an Islamic school where they will have the opportunity to meet Muslim children. If they become friends with non-Muslims, however, we should not worry too much as long as they do not seem to be a negative influence. Perhaps our child will influence them toward Islam. We should be worried though if our children start hanging around with bad-mannered and disrespectful children.
We should encourage our children to participate in wholesome religious, social, and sports activities
Bored teenagers are more likely to look for fun and excitement in the wrong place. "Idle hands are the devil's (shaytan's) workshop," someone once said. If teenagers' lives are full of good and exciting things to do, they will not have the time or the desire to get involved in bad things.
If we haven't done so already, now is a good time to start letting our children become a part of the family decision making process
If teenagers feel that they have the right to make some of their own decisions and even to help make some of the family's decisions, they will not feel that they have to rebel against an oppressive family that is always telling them what to do.
We should try to channel their teenage zeal into constructive avenues
Sometimes, teenagers begin to criticize the way of life of their parents and society, and parents are often angered by this. However, we must keep in mind that sometimes they may be right. Our lives and our society are not perfect, and teenagers may have fresh insight into how to improve them. In Living With Teenagers: A Guide for Muslim Parents, Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood writes:
"Teenagers are idealists---they want to change the world, and make it a better place. These are not bad ideals, and it is a great pity that adults have forgotten their own ideals in the rat-race of daily life. You, the parent, may have ended up as just a hard-working nonentity in some quiet niche in life; a teenager who is a real idealist may end up as a famous person, a reformer, a politician, an aid-worker---who knows. The future lies there before them.
It is therefore a foolish parent who tries to ridicule and trample on that young idealism. If it is consistent with Islam, it should be fervently encouraged, and not set at nought."
If a teenager is idealistic and wants to improve the world, we should encourage him and help him. If he if full of zeal but lacks the proper direction, we should help him to use that zeal constructively. If we get teenagers involved in helping those in need and in working for important causes, their zeal could make a tremendous impact.
We should sometimes admit that we are wrong
Parents make mistakes. If we admit to our children that we are wrong at times, they will not always feel that they have to rebel against us and prove that we are wrong.
We should listen to our children
Sometimes, children act out in order to get our attention. If we give them our attention freely, they will not have to seek it in destructive ways. Also, by listening to our children, there is a greater chance that they will confide in us and ask us questions, rather than seeking answers from negative sources.
We should do what we say
Teenagers hate hypocrisy, and many of them seem to have a built-in radar for detecting it. If we want them to listen to us and take our advice, they must trust us. If we tell them not to drink, but drink ourselves, they will not respect us. If we watch bad programs on television, how can we expect them to watch good programs and listen to good music?
The teenage years are usually difficult, and parents need to prepare for them before they arrive. If parents have built a strong, trusting, and loving relationship with their children before the teenage years, their children will be less likely to go astray. It is very difficult to see one's child going in the wrong direction and not know how to stop him from destroying himself. But if we work hard to instill in them the right values early and try to help them develop a wholesome lifestyle without being overbearing, perhaps we can prevent such a tragedy from ever occurring
Has Your Home Become a Hotel?
Has Your Home Become a Hotel?
The Importance of Spending Quality Time with Your Children
By Abu Atiyyah, South Africa
Bismilllah
Has your home become like a hotel? Has the concept of family become a fond memory?
The home of today has become very much like a hotel. Strangers stumble in and out at odd hours, each one doing his own little thing. "The family" has now almost become just a fond memory. "The family" having meals together is a rare occasion. Just sitting together and chatting is even more rare. Part of the blame can be apportioned to the fast, demanding pace of life in the modern and "advanced" world we are living in. The other part can be attributed to the lack of will and the apathy on the part of members of the family to get together more often. Every one seems quite happy with leading his/her "own life".
Parents have a responsibility to bind the family. Upbringing plays an important part on how close off-spring will be with their parents and among themselves in later life. If they have grown up comfortably in a cold, detached home environment, the "hotel-type" home, they can hardly be expected to take much interest in family affairs later on.
Parents need to spend time with their children daily - Quality Time. Quality time means a time of day or night when neither of them or their children are tired or occupied with other things. Try to fix a time daily so that a regular pattern can be set. Sit down as a family. Talk. Discuss. Ask children about school. How did the day go. What did they learn. What was exciting, etc. Tell them about your own work, your day. Children are good talkers. They get excited. They need to express themselves; their feelings and emotions. Give them this opportunity to talk. They need it. You will be surprised how much you do not know about your child's life.
Parents should never regard this daily get-together as a small or unimportant part of their lives. It is vital. This togetherness will convince your children that you are interested in them. This will motivate and encourage them to perform better in all what they do.
This daily get-together will also lead to the bonding of the family, which is so important for the family and the children, especially. Today the family unit is slowly disintegrating all over the world. What is more sad is that it is even happening to Muslim homes and families.
A strongly-bonded family will produce a stable and strong child. Otherwise the child will suffer psychological disorders that become progressively worse. Such a child eventually becomes a lost cause; a liability to his/her family and to society at large. The implications for society in a neglected child are enormous. This is very sad and unfortunate for the neglected child. It is also dangerous for the future of the child. Such a child will easily be influenced by outsiders and alien influences, as s/he will not find fulfilment in the home. Such a child could end-up becoming a drug-addict or even a criminal. Parents may be in for a rude shock and could possibly realise the harm only after it is too late to really reverse the damage. May Allah save our children from such a day.
A good way to get going with the family-evening is to assist children with their school work. Get them to bring their school bag and books along. Look at their work, even if you do not understand much! Ask them a few questions about the work they have learnt; from their books. Help them along with their Islamic Studies as well. Listen keenly to their Qur'an recitation lesson. Ensure they have learnt all Islamic Studies lessons for the next day. Get them to complete other school work.
Finally, talk to them for a few minutes about good manners, good behaviour, the importance of discipline and hardwork. Narrate to them some interesting anecdote from which they could learn a lesson or moral. If possible read to them for a few minutes from a good Islamic book or Kitaab. All of this will go a very long way to developing your child into a highly successful adult.
The Importance of Spending Quality Time with Your Children
By Abu Atiyyah, South Africa
Bismilllah
Has your home become like a hotel? Has the concept of family become a fond memory?
The home of today has become very much like a hotel. Strangers stumble in and out at odd hours, each one doing his own little thing. "The family" has now almost become just a fond memory. "The family" having meals together is a rare occasion. Just sitting together and chatting is even more rare. Part of the blame can be apportioned to the fast, demanding pace of life in the modern and "advanced" world we are living in. The other part can be attributed to the lack of will and the apathy on the part of members of the family to get together more often. Every one seems quite happy with leading his/her "own life".
Parents have a responsibility to bind the family. Upbringing plays an important part on how close off-spring will be with their parents and among themselves in later life. If they have grown up comfortably in a cold, detached home environment, the "hotel-type" home, they can hardly be expected to take much interest in family affairs later on.
Parents need to spend time with their children daily - Quality Time. Quality time means a time of day or night when neither of them or their children are tired or occupied with other things. Try to fix a time daily so that a regular pattern can be set. Sit down as a family. Talk. Discuss. Ask children about school. How did the day go. What did they learn. What was exciting, etc. Tell them about your own work, your day. Children are good talkers. They get excited. They need to express themselves; their feelings and emotions. Give them this opportunity to talk. They need it. You will be surprised how much you do not know about your child's life.
Parents should never regard this daily get-together as a small or unimportant part of their lives. It is vital. This togetherness will convince your children that you are interested in them. This will motivate and encourage them to perform better in all what they do.
This daily get-together will also lead to the bonding of the family, which is so important for the family and the children, especially. Today the family unit is slowly disintegrating all over the world. What is more sad is that it is even happening to Muslim homes and families.
A strongly-bonded family will produce a stable and strong child. Otherwise the child will suffer psychological disorders that become progressively worse. Such a child eventually becomes a lost cause; a liability to his/her family and to society at large. The implications for society in a neglected child are enormous. This is very sad and unfortunate for the neglected child. It is also dangerous for the future of the child. Such a child will easily be influenced by outsiders and alien influences, as s/he will not find fulfilment in the home. Such a child could end-up becoming a drug-addict or even a criminal. Parents may be in for a rude shock and could possibly realise the harm only after it is too late to really reverse the damage. May Allah save our children from such a day.
A good way to get going with the family-evening is to assist children with their school work. Get them to bring their school bag and books along. Look at their work, even if you do not understand much! Ask them a few questions about the work they have learnt; from their books. Help them along with their Islamic Studies as well. Listen keenly to their Qur'an recitation lesson. Ensure they have learnt all Islamic Studies lessons for the next day. Get them to complete other school work.
Finally, talk to them for a few minutes about good manners, good behaviour, the importance of discipline and hardwork. Narrate to them some interesting anecdote from which they could learn a lesson or moral. If possible read to them for a few minutes from a good Islamic book or Kitaab. All of this will go a very long way to developing your child into a highly successful adult.
Quality Time with Dad
Quality Time with Dad
by Ibrahim Bowers
This article presents the current relationship between a father and a child in this fast paced and time constraint society and provides many practical advises on how to improve this relationship to benefit the whole family.
It has been estimated that working fathers spend about 3 minutes a day with their children.
Fathers who abandon their families, fathers who rarely see their children because of divorce, and fathers who are busy and have very little or nothing to do with the raising of their children are common.
Dad gets up early, takes the long drive to work, gets off late, takes the long drive home, and gets home very tired. He just wants to have dinner, relax a little, and go to bed so that he can repeat the same routine the next day. Every now and then, he tells himself that he will spend more time with his children tomorrow.
"But Muslims aren't like that," you say.
Perhaps.
How much time do you spend with your children in the day? Not just in the same house, but together --- really together.
A popular American song by Harry Chapin tells the sad story of a boy who always tries to spend time with his father, but always finds him too busy. When the boy grows up and the father gets older, the father always wants to spend time with his son, but his son always has other things to do.
Quality time spent between a father and his children is essential for both the parent and the children. The children need to know that their father loves and cares for them, and the father needs to be careful that he doesnÕt lose his relationship with his children by neglect.
Tips to Improve Father-Child Relationship
There are several ways a father can spend quality time with his children and develop a relationship with them. Even if he is extremely busy, he can probably free up enough time to do some of these things.
Show your children in simple ways that you love them.
Some fathers try to appeal to their children by showering them with gifts rather than giving of themselves. This may cause more harm than good. The simple example of Prophet Muhammad is much better, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him. When his daughter Fatima (May Allah be pleased with her) would come to him, the Prophet used to stand up, kiss her, take her hand, and give her his seat. Later in life, this personal type of affection will be much more memorable to children than receiving a gift that anyone could have given them.
Tell or read your children stories on some nights before bed.
There are lots of excellent Islamic stories and books available that you can use, or you can make up your own. At the same time, you will be helping your children develop Islamic character. SoundVision sells a vast selection of Islamic children's books. A twist on this idea is to ask your children to make up stories to tell you.
Play with your children sometimes.
You could play ball, color pictures, build toy houses from blocks, or do whatever they like.
Let your children help you with simple tasks.
Allow them to help you carry in the groceries, make dinner, or mow the yard. Children often get great joy from doing things that adults consider work.
Take the family to for a picnic.
Spend time with your children playing Frisbee, passing a ball, or pushing them in the swings. Your children will cherish this special time together as a family.
Help your children with their homework.
Show them that you are truly interested in their education and life by asking them what they did in school and looking at their books, projects, and assignments with them.
Have at least two meals a week as a family.
Use driving time with your children.
Don't just turn on the news and forget your children when they are in the car with you. Talk or joke with them, or sing Islamic songs together.
Give your small children a bath sometimes.
Usually, mothers bathe the children, but bath time is an excellent opportunity for fathers to be with their kids. Let them splash around and play a little more than mom does.
Teach your children to make wudu and pray with you.
If at home, praying together as a family Jamat is better than praying alone. Children love to call azan. Make the youngest one the salat manager at home, taking care of prayer rugs, timing, and inviting everyone to salat.
Take your children to the masjid with you.
This is an excellent way for you to build a relationship with them as both a father and a Muslim.
Be available for your children, and let them know that you are there for anything they want to discuss.
If you are not available to talk to your children, somebody else probably will be, and it may be the wrong kind of person. A good way of getting to know your children better as individuals is to take them out one at a time for eating, conversation, or some other event.
Practice talking with your child, not at him.
Since the father often takes the main responsibility for disciplining the children, it is very easy for fathers to merely become order-givers rather than parents and companions of their children. Spend some time listening, rather than talking.
We only have one chance to be with our kids before they grow up. If we want them to love us and respect us when we are old, we have to build those relationships while they are young.
Fathers usually don't have the time to devote to their children that mothers do. But if we make the little time we have with our children quality time, we still might be able to build enduring relationships with them before it's too late.
by Ibrahim Bowers
This article presents the current relationship between a father and a child in this fast paced and time constraint society and provides many practical advises on how to improve this relationship to benefit the whole family.
It has been estimated that working fathers spend about 3 minutes a day with their children.
Fathers who abandon their families, fathers who rarely see their children because of divorce, and fathers who are busy and have very little or nothing to do with the raising of their children are common.
Dad gets up early, takes the long drive to work, gets off late, takes the long drive home, and gets home very tired. He just wants to have dinner, relax a little, and go to bed so that he can repeat the same routine the next day. Every now and then, he tells himself that he will spend more time with his children tomorrow.
"But Muslims aren't like that," you say.
Perhaps.
How much time do you spend with your children in the day? Not just in the same house, but together --- really together.
A popular American song by Harry Chapin tells the sad story of a boy who always tries to spend time with his father, but always finds him too busy. When the boy grows up and the father gets older, the father always wants to spend time with his son, but his son always has other things to do.
Quality time spent between a father and his children is essential for both the parent and the children. The children need to know that their father loves and cares for them, and the father needs to be careful that he doesnÕt lose his relationship with his children by neglect.
Tips to Improve Father-Child Relationship
There are several ways a father can spend quality time with his children and develop a relationship with them. Even if he is extremely busy, he can probably free up enough time to do some of these things.
Show your children in simple ways that you love them.
Some fathers try to appeal to their children by showering them with gifts rather than giving of themselves. This may cause more harm than good. The simple example of Prophet Muhammad is much better, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him. When his daughter Fatima (May Allah be pleased with her) would come to him, the Prophet used to stand up, kiss her, take her hand, and give her his seat. Later in life, this personal type of affection will be much more memorable to children than receiving a gift that anyone could have given them.
Tell or read your children stories on some nights before bed.
There are lots of excellent Islamic stories and books available that you can use, or you can make up your own. At the same time, you will be helping your children develop Islamic character. SoundVision sells a vast selection of Islamic children's books. A twist on this idea is to ask your children to make up stories to tell you.
Play with your children sometimes.
You could play ball, color pictures, build toy houses from blocks, or do whatever they like.
Let your children help you with simple tasks.
Allow them to help you carry in the groceries, make dinner, or mow the yard. Children often get great joy from doing things that adults consider work.
Take the family to for a picnic.
Spend time with your children playing Frisbee, passing a ball, or pushing them in the swings. Your children will cherish this special time together as a family.
Help your children with their homework.
Show them that you are truly interested in their education and life by asking them what they did in school and looking at their books, projects, and assignments with them.
Have at least two meals a week as a family.
Use driving time with your children.
Don't just turn on the news and forget your children when they are in the car with you. Talk or joke with them, or sing Islamic songs together.
Give your small children a bath sometimes.
Usually, mothers bathe the children, but bath time is an excellent opportunity for fathers to be with their kids. Let them splash around and play a little more than mom does.
Teach your children to make wudu and pray with you.
If at home, praying together as a family Jamat is better than praying alone. Children love to call azan. Make the youngest one the salat manager at home, taking care of prayer rugs, timing, and inviting everyone to salat.
Take your children to the masjid with you.
This is an excellent way for you to build a relationship with them as both a father and a Muslim.
Be available for your children, and let them know that you are there for anything they want to discuss.
If you are not available to talk to your children, somebody else probably will be, and it may be the wrong kind of person. A good way of getting to know your children better as individuals is to take them out one at a time for eating, conversation, or some other event.
Practice talking with your child, not at him.
Since the father often takes the main responsibility for disciplining the children, it is very easy for fathers to merely become order-givers rather than parents and companions of their children. Spend some time listening, rather than talking.
We only have one chance to be with our kids before they grow up. If we want them to love us and respect us when we are old, we have to build those relationships while they are young.
Fathers usually don't have the time to devote to their children that mothers do. But if we make the little time we have with our children quality time, we still might be able to build enduring relationships with them before it's too late.
12 Tips for Childrearing
12 Tips for Childrearing
by Ibrahim Bowers
"Don't touch those!" the father commands as his child plays with the dishes on a shelf at his host's house. A few seconds later, the father looks up from his conversation with his host, and his child is still playing with the dishes. "I told you not to touch those!" the child's father repeats. A few seconds later, the father looks up and sees his child still playing with the dishes. The father says nothing and continues his conversation with the host.
It happens all the time. Children are given orders, and when they don't obey, the parent simply goes back to his conversation and forgets.
What should parents do in this situation? Some parents would say that we should stop the child, others that we should punish him, and others that he is "just a child," and we should not expect too much from him.
As Muslim parents, we have an obligation to bring up our children in the best manner - to teach them right from wrong and to show them what we and society expect from them.
Those who give opinions on this matter usually use the Quran or hadith to support their positions, and it may be difficult to establish, without a doubt, who is more correct. However, as parents, we either have to find the correct method to teach and discipline our children, or we at least have to come up with a valid method for teaching and disciplining our children. Definitely, we should not just "figure it out as we go" - one time using this method and another time that one.
The following principles should be useful in establishing a childrearing method which is not too extreme.
Start early
Although many parents believe that very small children are too young to understand, their early years are probably the most important opportunity for parents to start them in the right direction. Once good patterns are established, they will be easy to maintain. Once bad patterns are established, they will be difficult to change.
Have your Emotions under Control while Instructing Children
Don't discipline your child because you are angry with him, but rather because you want to teach him. Motive is important here. As a Muslim parent, your motive should be to help your child.
Present should Present a United Front
Parents should discuss their strategy for training and disciplining their children and agree to work together as a team. If children realize that one parent is strict and the other is easy, they will play the parents against each other. When the strict parent stops them from doing something, they will go ask the easy parent for permission. Both parents need to tell the child the same thing. If parents sometimes disagree on how to discipline the child, they should discuss it privately, not in front of the children.
Be consistent
Most experts on children agree that parents should be consistent. Constantly changing the rules and expectations will only confuse your child. If you stop him from writing on the walls today, and you allow him to write on the walls tomorrow, he will not understand when you get angry the next time he writes on the walls. If you inconsistently apply the rules, he will also test you at times to see whether you are going to be tough this time or easy. If, however, he knows from experience that you always stop him the first time, he will quickly learn it does no good to try to get away with something. Although consistency is essential, it does not mean that parents cannot change their minds about the rules. If you do change the rules, however, you must inform your child in advance so that he will know what to expect. This failure to be consistent is at the root of many parents' inability to control their children.
Never lie to your children
If you lie to them "every now and then," they may not believe you when you tell them the truth. This also applies to those situations when you tell your child to stop doing something, or you will put him in his room, spank him, or take away his toys. If you make that kind of a threat, you must stick with it. Otherwise, you have lied, and your child will not know when you are serious and when you are not. He will then be forced to test you again and again to see.
Don't reward crying
If children realize that everytime they cry, they get what they want, crying will become like money for them. Everytime they want something, they will cry. On the other hand, if you teach them that crying doesn't get them anything, they will stop crying for things. Let them cry and cry and cry, but don't give in. In the beginning, it will be difficult, but be patient. Once they learn the lesson and stop crying for everything, you will be happy that you were firm. You can either listen to crying for a few days or for the rest of your life. It's your choice.
Teach your child to apologize when he does something wrong
This is important so that he will learn what is expected of him from others and from Allah (SWT). If he does something wrong, he should ask forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and apologize to any people who were hurt by his words or actions. This will be useful in developing his conscience.
Accept Child's Apology
Be quick to excuse your child when he apologizes and shows that he is sorry for his disobedience or bad actions. When we do wrong, we seek forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and want to be excused. Likewise, we should excuse others. This will develop in your child a sense of mercy and prepare him for an understanding of the forgiveness of Allah (SWT). Always make it clear to the child that you love him, especially after he has been in trouble and apologized. Let him understand that no bad feelings remain.
Apologize For Your Mistakes
Don't be too proud to apologize to your child when you make mistakes. This will establish in him a belief in your sense of justice and prevent him from viewing you as nothing but a tyrant.
Teach Islam From an Early Age
Teach your child from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam. If we develop in them a love for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray. A person wants to be like his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad, Abu Bakr, and Ali, he will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock star or a gang leader, he will want to be like them. If we inspire our children with good examples, when they are tempted to do wrong, they will, InshaAllah, remember these examples and remain steadfast.
Although I was raised as a Christian and didn't embrace Islam until I was in my 20s, I was greatly influenced by the Biblical stories of Prophets like Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, and Isa (peace be upon them all). Although the Biblical stories were not in their pure form, they still inculcated in me a love and respect for the way of the Prophets. Although I fell into many of the temptations of youth, Alhamdulillah, I always felt something within me holding me back from going too far. While many of my friends went headlong into a highly destructive way of life, I believe that my knowledge of, and affection for, the Prophets helped me to return to a better path.
Instruct in Good Morals
Teach your child good morals and good manners. An excellent book for this is Islamic Tahdhib and Akhlaq: Theory and Practice, by B. Aisha Lemu.
Discipline Your Child
Discipline should not become the domain of one parent. Mothers and fathers should both participate in the disciplining of their children. Although mothers often threaten their children by telling them that they will get into trouble when their father gets home, this method is not very useful for three reasons. First, discipline should be carried out immediately after the disobedience occurs so that the child will connect the disobedience with its consequences. If parents wait until later, the child may have forgotten why he got into trouble, and feel that the parents are not justified in disciplining him.
Second, sometimes the child must be stopped immediately, and the mother cannot wait until the father gets home. The child must be taught to respond immediately to her commands as well as his father's. Third, making one parent responsible for disciplining the child may turn that parent into the "bad guy" in the child's eyes. The child should recognize that both parents agree on their methods of disciplining him. Although the degree to which various parents use them will vary, the following five methods might be used for disciplining your children.
Putting your child in the bedroom. When the child is disobeying, he should first be warned that you are going to put him in the bedroom if he doesn't obey. If he continues to disobey, take him to the room immediately. Do not keep repeating warnings. For smaller children, you will probably have to sit in the room with them; for older children, they can sit alone. If they are crying or yelling, don't let them come out until they stop. Also, teach them that they need to apologize before you let them out. If they apologize, show your happiness and quick acceptance.
For those children who whine and cry for everything, it is good to teach them that they will be sent to the bedroom when they whine and cry. They should not be allowed to whine and cry in the living room where they will disturb others. Once children learn that when they whine and cry, they will be sent to the bedroom, the whining and crying should decrease dramatically. Although it may take a long time for some children to stop crying and apologize, the parent must not give in. The child should feel that everytime he persists in disobedience, he will be the loser. This method, if done correctly and consistently, should dramatically affect your child.
Showing your disappointment. If you have established a good relationship with your child, your disappointment with him will have a great impact on him. If he does something you don't like, and you tell him you are angry with him and show him that you are not going to play and joke with him because of his actions, he will probably feel bad and apologize. This works especially well when several family members show disappointment with the child's actions.
Withholding privileges. Not letting the child go out to play, ride his bicycle, or use his skates, for example. Threats to do this are useful only if the child believes you.
Giving rewards. These could be compliments, sweets, toys, or anything else that your child likes. When your child is rewarded for doing good, he is likely to do good again. After some time, his habit will be to do good. Two words of caution, however. First, rewards should not become bribes. You should not tell your child, "If you obey me, I will take you for ice cream." Rewards should be spontaneous on your part to show your appreciation for your child's actions. They should not be expected by the child. You should say, "Since you have been such a good boy today, I'm going to take you for ice cream." Second, you should be careful that your relationship with your child does not become a marketplace where he expects to get a reward from you for everything he does. As the child gets older, he will not need to be given material rewards as often, although you should continue to let him know that you appreciate his good behavior. You should, however, teach him that even though he doesn't always receive a reward from you for his good actions, he might receive one from Allah (SWT).
Spanking. This is the most controversial aspect of discipline. Some parents feel that it is wrong to spank children because it teaches them that violence is the answer or that "might makes right." Others go too far in the other direction and believe that unbridled beating of their children is okay. Some parents slap their children in the face, beat them on the hand, or twist their ears. These methods should, however, be avoided. Slapping in the face humiliates the child, and beating on the hand or twisting the ear could cause permanent physical damage to the child. Of course, it should also be clear that such things as burning or starving children, making them drink hot sauce, or other such harsh punishments should never be used. I personally use only two physical methods for disciplining my children: light slaps on the hand when the child is using his hands to do something wrong and spanking the child on his buttocks in a way that is not permanently harmful but that only causes some stinging. If the other methods of discipline are used wisely, a parent should rarely have to resort to physical discipline at all. However, sometimes it may be necessary. If done with mercy and justice and in the best interest of the child, it should not be considered as violent or abusive. When children grow up, they will be held accountable for their actions. In some cases, the punishments they face for wrongdoing will be severe. To teach them right from wrong now, even by spanking or lightly slapping their hand, will help them avoid these problems later in life. Hammudah Abd al Ati writes in The Family Structure in Islam:
". . . [T]he Prophet urged parents to demand that their children begin practicing the regular daily prayers by the age of seven. If the children do not start the practice by the age of ten, they should be disciplined by physical means --- without causing them harm or injury, of course --- only to show disapproval of their behavior." (p. 199)
If parents follow these principles consistently, they should see a dramatic improvement in their children in a short time. If, however, the children have been allowed to run the house for a long time, and the parents have given up their authority, it will take longer for the children to get used to the new rules. Although the various methods of discipline are important and will help you to control your children and force them to do what you say, you will not always be with them as they begin to grow, and, thus, the penalties and consequences from you will not concern them. Ideally, as you discipline your children you will also develop their conscience and their knowledge of right and wrong. Teaching them good morals and manners and instilling in them a love for Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam should help them to do good even when you are not around. The attainment of self-discipline and a concern for doing righteousness whether they are with others or alone is the true goal of childrearing. The afore-mentioned techniques are merely means to achieve this end.
by Ibrahim Bowers
"Don't touch those!" the father commands as his child plays with the dishes on a shelf at his host's house. A few seconds later, the father looks up from his conversation with his host, and his child is still playing with the dishes. "I told you not to touch those!" the child's father repeats. A few seconds later, the father looks up and sees his child still playing with the dishes. The father says nothing and continues his conversation with the host.
It happens all the time. Children are given orders, and when they don't obey, the parent simply goes back to his conversation and forgets.
What should parents do in this situation? Some parents would say that we should stop the child, others that we should punish him, and others that he is "just a child," and we should not expect too much from him.
As Muslim parents, we have an obligation to bring up our children in the best manner - to teach them right from wrong and to show them what we and society expect from them.
Those who give opinions on this matter usually use the Quran or hadith to support their positions, and it may be difficult to establish, without a doubt, who is more correct. However, as parents, we either have to find the correct method to teach and discipline our children, or we at least have to come up with a valid method for teaching and disciplining our children. Definitely, we should not just "figure it out as we go" - one time using this method and another time that one.
The following principles should be useful in establishing a childrearing method which is not too extreme.
Start early
Although many parents believe that very small children are too young to understand, their early years are probably the most important opportunity for parents to start them in the right direction. Once good patterns are established, they will be easy to maintain. Once bad patterns are established, they will be difficult to change.
Have your Emotions under Control while Instructing Children
Don't discipline your child because you are angry with him, but rather because you want to teach him. Motive is important here. As a Muslim parent, your motive should be to help your child.
Present should Present a United Front
Parents should discuss their strategy for training and disciplining their children and agree to work together as a team. If children realize that one parent is strict and the other is easy, they will play the parents against each other. When the strict parent stops them from doing something, they will go ask the easy parent for permission. Both parents need to tell the child the same thing. If parents sometimes disagree on how to discipline the child, they should discuss it privately, not in front of the children.
Be consistent
Most experts on children agree that parents should be consistent. Constantly changing the rules and expectations will only confuse your child. If you stop him from writing on the walls today, and you allow him to write on the walls tomorrow, he will not understand when you get angry the next time he writes on the walls. If you inconsistently apply the rules, he will also test you at times to see whether you are going to be tough this time or easy. If, however, he knows from experience that you always stop him the first time, he will quickly learn it does no good to try to get away with something. Although consistency is essential, it does not mean that parents cannot change their minds about the rules. If you do change the rules, however, you must inform your child in advance so that he will know what to expect. This failure to be consistent is at the root of many parents' inability to control their children.
Never lie to your children
If you lie to them "every now and then," they may not believe you when you tell them the truth. This also applies to those situations when you tell your child to stop doing something, or you will put him in his room, spank him, or take away his toys. If you make that kind of a threat, you must stick with it. Otherwise, you have lied, and your child will not know when you are serious and when you are not. He will then be forced to test you again and again to see.
Don't reward crying
If children realize that everytime they cry, they get what they want, crying will become like money for them. Everytime they want something, they will cry. On the other hand, if you teach them that crying doesn't get them anything, they will stop crying for things. Let them cry and cry and cry, but don't give in. In the beginning, it will be difficult, but be patient. Once they learn the lesson and stop crying for everything, you will be happy that you were firm. You can either listen to crying for a few days or for the rest of your life. It's your choice.
Teach your child to apologize when he does something wrong
This is important so that he will learn what is expected of him from others and from Allah (SWT). If he does something wrong, he should ask forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and apologize to any people who were hurt by his words or actions. This will be useful in developing his conscience.
Accept Child's Apology
Be quick to excuse your child when he apologizes and shows that he is sorry for his disobedience or bad actions. When we do wrong, we seek forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and want to be excused. Likewise, we should excuse others. This will develop in your child a sense of mercy and prepare him for an understanding of the forgiveness of Allah (SWT). Always make it clear to the child that you love him, especially after he has been in trouble and apologized. Let him understand that no bad feelings remain.
Apologize For Your Mistakes
Don't be too proud to apologize to your child when you make mistakes. This will establish in him a belief in your sense of justice and prevent him from viewing you as nothing but a tyrant.
Teach Islam From an Early Age
Teach your child from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam. If we develop in them a love for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray. A person wants to be like his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad, Abu Bakr, and Ali, he will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock star or a gang leader, he will want to be like them. If we inspire our children with good examples, when they are tempted to do wrong, they will, InshaAllah, remember these examples and remain steadfast.
Although I was raised as a Christian and didn't embrace Islam until I was in my 20s, I was greatly influenced by the Biblical stories of Prophets like Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, and Isa (peace be upon them all). Although the Biblical stories were not in their pure form, they still inculcated in me a love and respect for the way of the Prophets. Although I fell into many of the temptations of youth, Alhamdulillah, I always felt something within me holding me back from going too far. While many of my friends went headlong into a highly destructive way of life, I believe that my knowledge of, and affection for, the Prophets helped me to return to a better path.
Instruct in Good Morals
Teach your child good morals and good manners. An excellent book for this is Islamic Tahdhib and Akhlaq: Theory and Practice, by B. Aisha Lemu.
Discipline Your Child
Discipline should not become the domain of one parent. Mothers and fathers should both participate in the disciplining of their children. Although mothers often threaten their children by telling them that they will get into trouble when their father gets home, this method is not very useful for three reasons. First, discipline should be carried out immediately after the disobedience occurs so that the child will connect the disobedience with its consequences. If parents wait until later, the child may have forgotten why he got into trouble, and feel that the parents are not justified in disciplining him.
Second, sometimes the child must be stopped immediately, and the mother cannot wait until the father gets home. The child must be taught to respond immediately to her commands as well as his father's. Third, making one parent responsible for disciplining the child may turn that parent into the "bad guy" in the child's eyes. The child should recognize that both parents agree on their methods of disciplining him. Although the degree to which various parents use them will vary, the following five methods might be used for disciplining your children.
Putting your child in the bedroom. When the child is disobeying, he should first be warned that you are going to put him in the bedroom if he doesn't obey. If he continues to disobey, take him to the room immediately. Do not keep repeating warnings. For smaller children, you will probably have to sit in the room with them; for older children, they can sit alone. If they are crying or yelling, don't let them come out until they stop. Also, teach them that they need to apologize before you let them out. If they apologize, show your happiness and quick acceptance.
For those children who whine and cry for everything, it is good to teach them that they will be sent to the bedroom when they whine and cry. They should not be allowed to whine and cry in the living room where they will disturb others. Once children learn that when they whine and cry, they will be sent to the bedroom, the whining and crying should decrease dramatically. Although it may take a long time for some children to stop crying and apologize, the parent must not give in. The child should feel that everytime he persists in disobedience, he will be the loser. This method, if done correctly and consistently, should dramatically affect your child.
Showing your disappointment. If you have established a good relationship with your child, your disappointment with him will have a great impact on him. If he does something you don't like, and you tell him you are angry with him and show him that you are not going to play and joke with him because of his actions, he will probably feel bad and apologize. This works especially well when several family members show disappointment with the child's actions.
Withholding privileges. Not letting the child go out to play, ride his bicycle, or use his skates, for example. Threats to do this are useful only if the child believes you.
Giving rewards. These could be compliments, sweets, toys, or anything else that your child likes. When your child is rewarded for doing good, he is likely to do good again. After some time, his habit will be to do good. Two words of caution, however. First, rewards should not become bribes. You should not tell your child, "If you obey me, I will take you for ice cream." Rewards should be spontaneous on your part to show your appreciation for your child's actions. They should not be expected by the child. You should say, "Since you have been such a good boy today, I'm going to take you for ice cream." Second, you should be careful that your relationship with your child does not become a marketplace where he expects to get a reward from you for everything he does. As the child gets older, he will not need to be given material rewards as often, although you should continue to let him know that you appreciate his good behavior. You should, however, teach him that even though he doesn't always receive a reward from you for his good actions, he might receive one from Allah (SWT).
Spanking. This is the most controversial aspect of discipline. Some parents feel that it is wrong to spank children because it teaches them that violence is the answer or that "might makes right." Others go too far in the other direction and believe that unbridled beating of their children is okay. Some parents slap their children in the face, beat them on the hand, or twist their ears. These methods should, however, be avoided. Slapping in the face humiliates the child, and beating on the hand or twisting the ear could cause permanent physical damage to the child. Of course, it should also be clear that such things as burning or starving children, making them drink hot sauce, or other such harsh punishments should never be used. I personally use only two physical methods for disciplining my children: light slaps on the hand when the child is using his hands to do something wrong and spanking the child on his buttocks in a way that is not permanently harmful but that only causes some stinging. If the other methods of discipline are used wisely, a parent should rarely have to resort to physical discipline at all. However, sometimes it may be necessary. If done with mercy and justice and in the best interest of the child, it should not be considered as violent or abusive. When children grow up, they will be held accountable for their actions. In some cases, the punishments they face for wrongdoing will be severe. To teach them right from wrong now, even by spanking or lightly slapping their hand, will help them avoid these problems later in life. Hammudah Abd al Ati writes in The Family Structure in Islam:
". . . [T]he Prophet urged parents to demand that their children begin practicing the regular daily prayers by the age of seven. If the children do not start the practice by the age of ten, they should be disciplined by physical means --- without causing them harm or injury, of course --- only to show disapproval of their behavior." (p. 199)
If parents follow these principles consistently, they should see a dramatic improvement in their children in a short time. If, however, the children have been allowed to run the house for a long time, and the parents have given up their authority, it will take longer for the children to get used to the new rules. Although the various methods of discipline are important and will help you to control your children and force them to do what you say, you will not always be with them as they begin to grow, and, thus, the penalties and consequences from you will not concern them. Ideally, as you discipline your children you will also develop their conscience and their knowledge of right and wrong. Teaching them good morals and manners and instilling in them a love for Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam should help them to do good even when you are not around. The attainment of self-discipline and a concern for doing righteousness whether they are with others or alone is the true goal of childrearing. The afore-mentioned techniques are merely means to achieve this end.
Tuesday 22 February 2011
When the Wife is Unhappy With the Husband
When the Wife is Unhappy With the Husband
By: Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qur'an 4:34 (Surah Nisa, ayah 4) gives some guidance as to how to deal with marriage difficulties when husbands feel that their wives are being deliberately nasty to them. The Holy Qur'an also gives guidance for cases when it is the wife who thinks that she is being mistreated and feels unhappy about it.
In this connection it must, first of all, be clearly understood by all Muslims that the Holy Qur'an unequivocally prohibits keeping women in wedlock against their will. In Surah al-Baqarah, verse 231, it is said:
"And do not retain them (i.e. women) in wedlock against their will in order to hurt them. He who does such a thing indeed sins against himself. And do not take the signs of God lightly..."
And in Surah an-Nisa verse 19 we read:
"O YOU who have attained to faith! It is not lawful for you to [try to] become heirs of your wives [by holding onto them] against their will."
These verses appear in some particular contexts but they clearly contain the principle (also found in Hadith) that women can be brought into the marriage relationship and kept in that relationship only if they want to do so.
In some cultures, including parts of the Muslim world, women are sometimes beaten by their relatives into marrying men of the relatives' own choice or beaten to stay in the marriage bond. Those who do that commit a sin and unless forgiven by the women concerned will be punished by hell-fire in the hereafter.
It is true, as we have seen in another article, that husbands can lightly beat their wives when they show prolonged and deliberately nasty behaviour but such beating can be done only when the intention to stay in the marriage bond is intact on the part of both the husband and the wife. The moment the wife makes up her mind that she does not wish to remain in the marriage bond and she clearly expresses this decision on her part, the husband ceases to have any justification in the sight of God to beat her.
It is not only by physical force that women are sometimes kept in marriage against their will. More often it is social or economic pressures that are used, consciously or unconsciously, to keep them tied in the unwanted relationship. In Surah an-Nisa' the Book of God combats such social and economic pressures:
"If a woman fears ill-treatment (mushuz) or indifference (i'radh) from her husband, it is not wrong if (at her initiative) the two set things peacefully to right between themselves; for, peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human souls. But if you do good and are conscious of Him, behold, God is aware of all that you do... If the two break up, God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise." (4:128-130)
In many cultures, including the Muslim culture, it is considered taboo on the part of a woman, especially if she is of "noble" (sharif) descent, to express unhappiness with marriage and to try to do something about it (except in cases of extreme cruelty on the part of the husband). This type of attitude is part of the social pressure which is used to keep women suppressed. The Qur'an says that if a woman feels that her husband is too indifferent to her, i.e. does not give enough love to her or mistreats her and she is therefore unhappy, there is nothing wrong if she initiates steps to change the situation.
It should be noted that whenever the Qur'an says "there is nothing wrong" or "it is not wrong" (la junaha), it means to fight certain social taboos and established psychological attitudes. In the above passage it is fighting the attitude which expects women to continue in the marriage bond as the husbands keep them regardless of whether the wife is reasonably happy or not.
The first step that a woman should take to change her marriage situation, if she is unhappy with it, is, of course, to "talk it out" with her husband. This may lead to one of two things: a greater understanding between the two resulting in a satisfactory change in the husband's attitude or a mutual decision to dissolve the marriage bond (with the wife possibly returning par of the dowry (2:229)). Such peaceful settling of matters is beautifully encouraged in the words
"peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human soul. But if you do good and are conscious of God, behold, God is aware of all that you do."
Selfishness is accepted here as an inevitable condition of the human soul, so we are not expected to altogether get rid of it. What we are expected to do is to balance our selfishness with God consciousness and consideration for others. This means that we should pursue our self-interests within the limits set by God for our own good and also do something for others instead of being all the time concerned with ourselves.
It is in such a spirit that the husband and wife should discuss their marriage difficulties. Both have the right to expect happiness from the marriage relationship but each of them should seek happiness with consciousness of God and some concern for the happiness of the other partner in marriage. If the husband is not inclined to discuss things in this spirit and continues to mistreat the wife, then the wife can go to an Islamic court which must then impose a settlement on the husband on just terms. This is because it is the duty of Islamic courts to enforce the law of God and deal with all forms of zulm (injustice).
The Holy Qur'an wishes to make it socially acceptable for a wife to seek a change in her marriage situation if she feels that her husband mistreats her or is indifferent to her. But social acceptability alone is not enough; for, as noted earlier, tied with social taboos are economic considerations that often pressure the woman to accept her unhappy marriage situation. The Qur'an says that this should not be the case. It reminds all the concerned persons - the wife, the husband and relatives that:
"God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise" (4:130)
If all attempts on the part of the wife to establish a reasonably happy and dignified relationship with her husband fail and breakup of the marriage is the only option, then this option should not be rejected only for economic reasons. Let the wife and her relatives trust in God who is the real provider of all. Marriage should be viewed primarily as a love relationship (30:21) and not as an economic relationship.
The reminder that God is the provider of all is also meant for the husband. It tells him that he should not be too stingily and try to get back every penny that he might have spent on the wife but rather settle on equitable, if not generous, terms. God, who provided him all that he spent on his wife, may provide him yet more out of His infinite abundance.
It is instructive to note a couple of differences between the passage considered above and verse 34 of the same Surah an-Nisa' dealing with the case when it is the husband who is unhappy with the wife. In the latter case it is simply said: "If you (i.e. husbands) part" whereas in the above passage it is said "If a woman fears nushuz or i'radh on her husbands part." The addition of i'radh meaning turning away or becoming indifferent in case of a husband and its omission in the case of a wife is significant. This is a recognition that in love and sex relationship man's role is a more active one in the sense that he is the one who makes most of the first moves and therefore as a rule he alone can do i'radh: she can, as a rule, only refuse to respond (which if done willfully and too often would come under nushuz and would be dealt with as such).
Another difference between the two cases is that when the husband fears nushuz on the part of the wife he can, after due admonition and talking, separate the wife in bed and then lightly beat her while such measures are not suggested to the wife if she is the one who fears nushuz or i'drah from the husband. This is, of course, not because the Qur'an sees anything wrong in principle with the wife separating herself in bed from the ill-treating husband or even beating him. The reason rather is that the Qur'an recognizes the well-observed fact that as a rule women are physically weaker than men and therefore it would be difficult for her to implement such measures against the husband. Unlike the sentimental feminists, the Qur'an is wise enough and realistic enough to first admit that in general women are indeed physically weaker than men and then to realize that it would be totally unhelpful to ask a weaker partner to use forceful methods against a stronger one, especially if that stronger partner is already mistreating her.
But this does not mean that Islam leaves women at the mercy of their husbands. If despite being a Muslim a husband fails to respect the principles outlined in the Qur'an and instead of peacefully settling matters with the wife shows neither the inclination to treat her as a husband should treat a wife nor lets her go in a maruf (just and public) way, then it is the collective duty of the Muslim society to step in and, through a suitable legal system, enforce the law of God by imposing a settlement on the husband on terms judged equitable by an impartial court. It is regrettable that Muslim societies have not yet evolved such a suitable legal system to give women adequate protection against their stronger marriage partners should these stronger partners abandon love and tenderness and turn nasty.
By: Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qur'an 4:34 (Surah Nisa, ayah 4) gives some guidance as to how to deal with marriage difficulties when husbands feel that their wives are being deliberately nasty to them. The Holy Qur'an also gives guidance for cases when it is the wife who thinks that she is being mistreated and feels unhappy about it.
In this connection it must, first of all, be clearly understood by all Muslims that the Holy Qur'an unequivocally prohibits keeping women in wedlock against their will. In Surah al-Baqarah, verse 231, it is said:
"And do not retain them (i.e. women) in wedlock against their will in order to hurt them. He who does such a thing indeed sins against himself. And do not take the signs of God lightly..."
And in Surah an-Nisa verse 19 we read:
"O YOU who have attained to faith! It is not lawful for you to [try to] become heirs of your wives [by holding onto them] against their will."
These verses appear in some particular contexts but they clearly contain the principle (also found in Hadith) that women can be brought into the marriage relationship and kept in that relationship only if they want to do so.
In some cultures, including parts of the Muslim world, women are sometimes beaten by their relatives into marrying men of the relatives' own choice or beaten to stay in the marriage bond. Those who do that commit a sin and unless forgiven by the women concerned will be punished by hell-fire in the hereafter.
It is true, as we have seen in another article, that husbands can lightly beat their wives when they show prolonged and deliberately nasty behaviour but such beating can be done only when the intention to stay in the marriage bond is intact on the part of both the husband and the wife. The moment the wife makes up her mind that she does not wish to remain in the marriage bond and she clearly expresses this decision on her part, the husband ceases to have any justification in the sight of God to beat her.
It is not only by physical force that women are sometimes kept in marriage against their will. More often it is social or economic pressures that are used, consciously or unconsciously, to keep them tied in the unwanted relationship. In Surah an-Nisa' the Book of God combats such social and economic pressures:
"If a woman fears ill-treatment (mushuz) or indifference (i'radh) from her husband, it is not wrong if (at her initiative) the two set things peacefully to right between themselves; for, peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human souls. But if you do good and are conscious of Him, behold, God is aware of all that you do... If the two break up, God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise." (4:128-130)
In many cultures, including the Muslim culture, it is considered taboo on the part of a woman, especially if she is of "noble" (sharif) descent, to express unhappiness with marriage and to try to do something about it (except in cases of extreme cruelty on the part of the husband). This type of attitude is part of the social pressure which is used to keep women suppressed. The Qur'an says that if a woman feels that her husband is too indifferent to her, i.e. does not give enough love to her or mistreats her and she is therefore unhappy, there is nothing wrong if she initiates steps to change the situation.
It should be noted that whenever the Qur'an says "there is nothing wrong" or "it is not wrong" (la junaha), it means to fight certain social taboos and established psychological attitudes. In the above passage it is fighting the attitude which expects women to continue in the marriage bond as the husbands keep them regardless of whether the wife is reasonably happy or not.
The first step that a woman should take to change her marriage situation, if she is unhappy with it, is, of course, to "talk it out" with her husband. This may lead to one of two things: a greater understanding between the two resulting in a satisfactory change in the husband's attitude or a mutual decision to dissolve the marriage bond (with the wife possibly returning par of the dowry (2:229)). Such peaceful settling of matters is beautifully encouraged in the words
"peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human soul. But if you do good and are conscious of God, behold, God is aware of all that you do."
Selfishness is accepted here as an inevitable condition of the human soul, so we are not expected to altogether get rid of it. What we are expected to do is to balance our selfishness with God consciousness and consideration for others. This means that we should pursue our self-interests within the limits set by God for our own good and also do something for others instead of being all the time concerned with ourselves.
It is in such a spirit that the husband and wife should discuss their marriage difficulties. Both have the right to expect happiness from the marriage relationship but each of them should seek happiness with consciousness of God and some concern for the happiness of the other partner in marriage. If the husband is not inclined to discuss things in this spirit and continues to mistreat the wife, then the wife can go to an Islamic court which must then impose a settlement on the husband on just terms. This is because it is the duty of Islamic courts to enforce the law of God and deal with all forms of zulm (injustice).
The Holy Qur'an wishes to make it socially acceptable for a wife to seek a change in her marriage situation if she feels that her husband mistreats her or is indifferent to her. But social acceptability alone is not enough; for, as noted earlier, tied with social taboos are economic considerations that often pressure the woman to accept her unhappy marriage situation. The Qur'an says that this should not be the case. It reminds all the concerned persons - the wife, the husband and relatives that:
"God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise" (4:130)
If all attempts on the part of the wife to establish a reasonably happy and dignified relationship with her husband fail and breakup of the marriage is the only option, then this option should not be rejected only for economic reasons. Let the wife and her relatives trust in God who is the real provider of all. Marriage should be viewed primarily as a love relationship (30:21) and not as an economic relationship.
The reminder that God is the provider of all is also meant for the husband. It tells him that he should not be too stingily and try to get back every penny that he might have spent on the wife but rather settle on equitable, if not generous, terms. God, who provided him all that he spent on his wife, may provide him yet more out of His infinite abundance.
It is instructive to note a couple of differences between the passage considered above and verse 34 of the same Surah an-Nisa' dealing with the case when it is the husband who is unhappy with the wife. In the latter case it is simply said: "If you (i.e. husbands) part" whereas in the above passage it is said "If a woman fears nushuz or i'radh on her husbands part." The addition of i'radh meaning turning away or becoming indifferent in case of a husband and its omission in the case of a wife is significant. This is a recognition that in love and sex relationship man's role is a more active one in the sense that he is the one who makes most of the first moves and therefore as a rule he alone can do i'radh: she can, as a rule, only refuse to respond (which if done willfully and too often would come under nushuz and would be dealt with as such).
Another difference between the two cases is that when the husband fears nushuz on the part of the wife he can, after due admonition and talking, separate the wife in bed and then lightly beat her while such measures are not suggested to the wife if she is the one who fears nushuz or i'drah from the husband. This is, of course, not because the Qur'an sees anything wrong in principle with the wife separating herself in bed from the ill-treating husband or even beating him. The reason rather is that the Qur'an recognizes the well-observed fact that as a rule women are physically weaker than men and therefore it would be difficult for her to implement such measures against the husband. Unlike the sentimental feminists, the Qur'an is wise enough and realistic enough to first admit that in general women are indeed physically weaker than men and then to realize that it would be totally unhelpful to ask a weaker partner to use forceful methods against a stronger one, especially if that stronger partner is already mistreating her.
But this does not mean that Islam leaves women at the mercy of their husbands. If despite being a Muslim a husband fails to respect the principles outlined in the Qur'an and instead of peacefully settling matters with the wife shows neither the inclination to treat her as a husband should treat a wife nor lets her go in a maruf (just and public) way, then it is the collective duty of the Muslim society to step in and, through a suitable legal system, enforce the law of God by imposing a settlement on the husband on terms judged equitable by an impartial court. It is regrettable that Muslim societies have not yet evolved such a suitable legal system to give women adequate protection against their stronger marriage partners should these stronger partners abandon love and tenderness and turn nasty.
Monday 21 February 2011
Causes (of Marital Discord) That Can Be Traced Back to the Husband Himself or His Friends
Causes (of Marital Discord) That Can Be Traced Back to the Husband Himself or His Friends
Marital Discord (al-Nushooz):
Its Definition, Cases, Causes, Means of Protection From It, and Its Remedy From the Quran and Sunnah
By Dr. Saalih ibn Ghaanim al-Sadlaan
(Translated by Jamaal al-Din M. Zarabozo)
© S. Al-Sadlaan and J. Zarabozo
The husband himself may be the cause of the woman's disobedience and rebelliousness. For example, he may be very stingy and miserly. He may also be very emotional and excitable. He may also be someone who is very harsh, tough and despotic. He may be one who forces his will and decisions upon his wife in every matter without consulting with her, taking into consideration her feelings, exchanging views on the matter and being pleasant with this wife. He might consider his wife like some kind of chattel (instead of another human) and therefore deals with her with coldness and coarseness without any compassion or gentleness. (Translator's Footnote: A disease that seems to afflict many men in their ability to be very kind and brotherly to their brothers but extremely cold and harsh towards their own wives. Obviously, their wives have more rights upon them than any of their brothers in Islam. This mistaken behavior must be corrected.)
The cause for that may also be in his evil friends who sow discontent and evil between a man and his wife by leading him and pushing him to disliking and hating his wife and wishing to be free from her.
"(In fact,) (his extreme good nature beyond normal limits) may also lead to his wife to change her disposition and make her try to override him and then disobey his commands and elevate herself above him." (Majallah al-Jundi al-Muslim, p. 29, fn.1.)
"He may cause his wife different forms of harm, such as cursing her or her family, reviling her, verbally abusing her for the tiniest of reasons. He may insult her because of her family, if it is less prestigious or honorable than his. Or (another act of nushooz on his part is that) he may try to bring harm to her by divorcing her and then, before the waiting period is finished, bring her back as his wife and then divorce her again. All this is done without the intention of returning to a real married life but simply to harm her and transgress her rights. Or he may avoid having sexual intercourse with her for no reason or legal sanction. This may lead the woman to lose her chastity and doing something forbidden." (Al-Bahuti al-Hanbali, Kishaaf al-Qinaa'; an Matn al-Iqnaa';, vol. 5, pp. 184, 290, 213; Ibn Abideen, Radd al-Mukhtar ala al-Darr al-Mukhtar wa Hashiyah, vol. 3, p. 190; Tafseer al-Manaar, vol. 5, p. 76.)
Shaikh al-Islam ibn Taimiya stated, "The harm that comes about to the woman by the man avoiding sexual intercourse with her is such that the marriage may be dissolved under every circumstance, regardless if it was intentional from the husband or unintentional, or if he had the ability to perform sexual intercourse or not." (Ibn Taimiyah, al-Fatawa al-Kubra, vol. 4, p. 562; Ibn Taimiyah, Majmuah al-Fatawa, vol. 32, p. 40.)
(Nushooz on the part of the husband includes) when he orders her to do something forbidden or illegal, such as going out in public displaying her beauty or uncovering parts of her that must be covered, to go among men she is not related to, to drink alcohol or take drugs, go to clubs and salons wherein bad things are taking place.
Also from nushooz on the part of the husband is his not fulfilling his marital obligations. For example, he makes life difficult for her with respect to her food, drink, clothing and so forth. (Translator’s footnote: This is one of the biggest marital problems that one can see occurring in the West. Many times, the husbands simply do not support their wives and families. Although they have the physical and other means to work and support their families, they would resort to putting themselves and their families on the welfare system. Often times, the husbands will give the flimsiest excuses for not accepting work and therefore put families in such situations. Many times, the husband would rather force his wife to go out and work; which, in the West, almost always involves putting the Muslim woman into situations that she should not be put into; rather than he accept a job that he is not completely pleased with. Hence, their families do not achieve the economic well-being that they deserve and, often, the wife loses respect for the husband as he is not performing one of his most important obligations of married life: providing maintenance for his wife and family. Sooner or later this often leads to many other problems within the marriage, although the root of those problems is the husband's unwillingness to work and sustain the family.) Or he makes her live in a residence that is not something suitable for her.
(In addition, included among the acts of nushooz) is his unfair distribution of his time or where he stays (when he is married to more than one wife) without legal justification. Or, he may not fulfil the needs of his wife and children such that their well-being is not met. Or, he does things that hurt and dishonor his wife and show lack of respect for her, such as backbiting her, slandering her or joking about her. Or, he may be desirous of her wealth and forces her to spend it on his behalf.
(The following are also acts that constitute nushooz on the part of the husband:) having anal intercourse with her, which is forbidden and is never permissible, his travelling for fun, amusement and entertainment without taking her permission as he is thereby wasting ample wealth for a useless purpose, while that wealth is meant to sustain the rights of his household.
If the man apostates from Islam, and refuge is sought in Allah, that is considered nushooz and the marriage contract is dissolved unless he returns to Islam. (See al-Khalafaat al-Zaujiyah, p. 39.)
There are many other causes or acts of nushooz that we have not mentioned here in order not to overly lengthen the discussion.
Marital Discord (al-Nushooz):
Its Definition, Cases, Causes, Means of Protection From It, and Its Remedy From the Quran and Sunnah
By Dr. Saalih ibn Ghaanim al-Sadlaan
(Translated by Jamaal al-Din M. Zarabozo)
© S. Al-Sadlaan and J. Zarabozo
The husband himself may be the cause of the woman's disobedience and rebelliousness. For example, he may be very stingy and miserly. He may also be very emotional and excitable. He may also be someone who is very harsh, tough and despotic. He may be one who forces his will and decisions upon his wife in every matter without consulting with her, taking into consideration her feelings, exchanging views on the matter and being pleasant with this wife. He might consider his wife like some kind of chattel (instead of another human) and therefore deals with her with coldness and coarseness without any compassion or gentleness. (Translator's Footnote: A disease that seems to afflict many men in their ability to be very kind and brotherly to their brothers but extremely cold and harsh towards their own wives. Obviously, their wives have more rights upon them than any of their brothers in Islam. This mistaken behavior must be corrected.)
The cause for that may also be in his evil friends who sow discontent and evil between a man and his wife by leading him and pushing him to disliking and hating his wife and wishing to be free from her.
"(In fact,) (his extreme good nature beyond normal limits) may also lead to his wife to change her disposition and make her try to override him and then disobey his commands and elevate herself above him." (Majallah al-Jundi al-Muslim, p. 29, fn.1.)
"He may cause his wife different forms of harm, such as cursing her or her family, reviling her, verbally abusing her for the tiniest of reasons. He may insult her because of her family, if it is less prestigious or honorable than his. Or (another act of nushooz on his part is that) he may try to bring harm to her by divorcing her and then, before the waiting period is finished, bring her back as his wife and then divorce her again. All this is done without the intention of returning to a real married life but simply to harm her and transgress her rights. Or he may avoid having sexual intercourse with her for no reason or legal sanction. This may lead the woman to lose her chastity and doing something forbidden." (Al-Bahuti al-Hanbali, Kishaaf al-Qinaa'; an Matn al-Iqnaa';, vol. 5, pp. 184, 290, 213; Ibn Abideen, Radd al-Mukhtar ala al-Darr al-Mukhtar wa Hashiyah, vol. 3, p. 190; Tafseer al-Manaar, vol. 5, p. 76.)
Shaikh al-Islam ibn Taimiya stated, "The harm that comes about to the woman by the man avoiding sexual intercourse with her is such that the marriage may be dissolved under every circumstance, regardless if it was intentional from the husband or unintentional, or if he had the ability to perform sexual intercourse or not." (Ibn Taimiyah, al-Fatawa al-Kubra, vol. 4, p. 562; Ibn Taimiyah, Majmuah al-Fatawa, vol. 32, p. 40.)
(Nushooz on the part of the husband includes) when he orders her to do something forbidden or illegal, such as going out in public displaying her beauty or uncovering parts of her that must be covered, to go among men she is not related to, to drink alcohol or take drugs, go to clubs and salons wherein bad things are taking place.
Also from nushooz on the part of the husband is his not fulfilling his marital obligations. For example, he makes life difficult for her with respect to her food, drink, clothing and so forth. (Translator’s footnote: This is one of the biggest marital problems that one can see occurring in the West. Many times, the husbands simply do not support their wives and families. Although they have the physical and other means to work and support their families, they would resort to putting themselves and their families on the welfare system. Often times, the husbands will give the flimsiest excuses for not accepting work and therefore put families in such situations. Many times, the husband would rather force his wife to go out and work; which, in the West, almost always involves putting the Muslim woman into situations that she should not be put into; rather than he accept a job that he is not completely pleased with. Hence, their families do not achieve the economic well-being that they deserve and, often, the wife loses respect for the husband as he is not performing one of his most important obligations of married life: providing maintenance for his wife and family. Sooner or later this often leads to many other problems within the marriage, although the root of those problems is the husband's unwillingness to work and sustain the family.) Or he makes her live in a residence that is not something suitable for her.
(In addition, included among the acts of nushooz) is his unfair distribution of his time or where he stays (when he is married to more than one wife) without legal justification. Or, he may not fulfil the needs of his wife and children such that their well-being is not met. Or, he does things that hurt and dishonor his wife and show lack of respect for her, such as backbiting her, slandering her or joking about her. Or, he may be desirous of her wealth and forces her to spend it on his behalf.
(The following are also acts that constitute nushooz on the part of the husband:) having anal intercourse with her, which is forbidden and is never permissible, his travelling for fun, amusement and entertainment without taking her permission as he is thereby wasting ample wealth for a useless purpose, while that wealth is meant to sustain the rights of his household.
If the man apostates from Islam, and refuge is sought in Allah, that is considered nushooz and the marriage contract is dissolved unless he returns to Islam. (See al-Khalafaat al-Zaujiyah, p. 39.)
There are many other causes or acts of nushooz that we have not mentioned here in order not to overly lengthen the discussion.
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